Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Ceremonial Shovel

House Guest in Apartment 3B

Ceremonial Shovel Fastened to the Wall

House GuestBefore moving to Cranford in 2018, our grandson often stayed overnight with us.

When we moved into Apartment 3D, between COVID and Jan’s health, neither he nor anyone stayed overnight.

For the last two nights, Nick has stayed with me.

It is enjoyable yet strange to have a house guest.

Hopefully, this is the first of a series of visits, as it is one more reminder that Jan is with me and is happy to have Nick with us.

With the help of Task Rabbit and Nick’s artistic talent, we took one more step in making my apartment look like home. The ceremonial groundbreaking shovel for the memorial garden is now on the wall.

In this new phase of my life, I know one self-evident truth, the love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Breaking Ground for Jan’s Memorial Garden

It has been only three days since we broke ground on the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park. The many friends who joined us for the day helped us with love and support. Over the next few months, we will update the garden's work progress.

Brave Enough to See the Light

Brave Enough to See the Light

Brave Enough to Be the Light

Amanda GormanI struggle to see the light and find my way as I live as a stranger in a strange land.

I was unmoored and adrift in troubled waters in my first hours as a widow.

One of the touchstones that helped me see the light was Amanda Gorman‘s poem “The Hill We Climb.”

The closing stanza reminded me that I must only be brave enough to see and be it.

For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it.

Am I brave enough?

My daily goal is to see the light and be the light!

In this new phase of my life, I know that Jan wants me to be brave and be the light.

The only self-evident truth I know is that the love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Jan Whispers Words of Wisdom

With raindrops falling on my head, I hear Jan whispering words of wisdom. When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let […]
Hanson Park With Friends!

Hanson Park With Friends!

Hanson Park With Friends!Having friends visit me is less common than I would like.

But that is probably the case with everyone, not just those who have lost the love of their lives.

Yesterday, my friends Ana and Dottie texted me to surprise me, saying that they were going to Hanson Park, which Dottie had not visited.

I cannot say no to a chance to describe the plans for Jan’s memorial garden.

It is such a joy to sit on the benches with plaques remembering Jan, describe the triangle where the park will be, and have lovely conversations.

Soon, the Lyman Whitaker Double Spinner – Copper wind sculpture will arrive and be installed. The Double Spinner will reflect Jan’s spirit and enthusiasm for life. It will also be a beacon to the Cranford community and encourage more people to visit Hanson Park.

Lyman Whitaker Double Spinner - Copper

In this new phase of my life, I know one self-evident truth: the love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Breaking Ground for Jan’s Memorial Garden

It has been only three days since we broke ground on the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park. The many friends who joined us for the day helped us with love and support. Over the next few months, we will update the garden's work progress.

The Metromaniacs Was the Farce I Needed!

The Metromaniacs Was the Farce I Needed!

The Metromaniacs Was the Farce I Needed!Today, I went to the Shakespeare Theatre of NJ to see The Metromaniacs!

As the Star-Ledger‘s Patrick Maley wrote, The Metromaniacs “is a farce for the sake of farce, and where there is a story here, it is only a vehicle for the gags.”

After sixteen months as a widow, I needed a good laugh and a relaxing afternoon.

The Shakespeare Theatre described the play as,

This outrageous and hilarious play from the 1700s gives Molière a run for his money. David Ives’ superb translation and adaptation of Piron’s original will have you grinning with delight over the nimble word play and clever wit that dominates every moment of this wonderful farce.

I went with my friend Arnold and had a wonderful time.

Would I have preferred to have Jan sitting next to me? Yes.

However, in this new phase of my life, I know one self-evident truth, the love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Much Ado About Everything

Last night, I enjoyed watching the NJ Shakespeare Theatre‘s outdoor performance of Much Ado About Nothing. The final performance of the season is Sunday, July 31. Nick, my oldest grandson and a friend of his, joined me for a lovely evening. It was the first time I had attended the outdoor stage since Jan died. […]
Wes I Love You!

Wes Jude is Two Months Old!

Wes Jude is Two Months Old!My second grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is two months old today!

Wes is a bundle of joy, and his smiles, like his grandmother, spread happiness to all who see him.

There are moments when I wish I could see him twenty-four/seven. But then I remember the benefit of grandchildren is not being responsible all the time.

There are two truths he reminds me of when I see him or look at photos.

I know that it will never be possible for Jan to hold him. However, when I do, I kiss him twice, once for me and once for Jan.

As I mentioned in the stream, the day he was born, Jude, the middle name, is in honor of Jan, the love of my life, Mike’s mom, and Wes’s grandmother.

It is also a nod to her love of music, especially The Beatles and their song Hey Jude.

Every time I think of Wes Jude, I start humming Hey Jude!

In this new phase of my life, I know one self-evident truth, the love Jan and I shared will never die!

Wes is One Month Old Today!

Wes Jude Nucero is one month old today! My second grandchild was born on July 3, 2022, and his middle name is in honor of Jan, the love of my life, Mike’s mom, and Wes’s grandmother. It is also a nod to Jan’s love of music, especially The Beatles, and specifically to their song Hey […]

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Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Today I started reading Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel by Michael Stephen Daigle. Detective Frank Nagler has seen his hometown of Ironton, NJ, undergo many changes over the past several years. Lately, scandals abound within the city's government, the stench of its corruption embedded deep, rivaling the dank stagnant stench emanating from the old bog just outside of town.

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Lonely Widowhood

Lonely Widowhood

Jan Lilien

Artwork graciously provided by Emi Sato.

“What worries me if I die is that you would have to live alone the rest of your life,” Jan declared during our last conversation as tears flowed down her face.

I kissed her tear-soaked lips, “I will live alone but not be lonely.”

After almost sixteen months, I still live alone.

There are occasional moments when I am very lonely, but I can keep loneliness at bay most days and nights.

Some of that has to do with my easygoing personality. I am not one to sit and wait for something to do. I walk, read, write, and engage with my community, especially Jan’s Garden.

However, if I had to select a single reason I am not overwhelmed by loneliness, it would be my location.

Living downtown Cranford means almost everything I need is a short walk away. My morning walks and evening strolls keep me in touch with neighbors and friends.

I understand how easy it would be to isolate. Living downtown ensures I will never be lonely.

In this new phase of my life, I know one self-evident truth: the love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Our Last Conversation

Her tears flowed as she confided, "What worries me most is leaving you to live the rest of your life alone." I tenderly kissed her tear-stained cheeks and whispered, "My love, I may live alone, but I will never be lonely." Jan's voice quivered as she spoke, "All I want is for you to be happy. You deserve nothing less, my wonderful and loving husband...."

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Ceremonial Shovel
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Brave Enough to See the Light
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Hanson Park With Friends!
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The Metromaniacs Was the Farce I Needed!
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Wes I Love You!
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Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Read: September 2022

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Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel by Michael Stephen Daigle is the fifth and best Frank Nagler Novel.

Like many of us living in the Garden State, Detective Frank Nagler has seen his hometown of Ironton, NJ, undergo many changes over the past several years. Although I want to believe the level of scandal in Ironton is more fictional than typical. The author describes the scandals within the city’s government, the stench of its corruption embedded deep, rivaling the dank stagnant stench emanating from the old bog just outside town.

From the opening sentence, Dragony Rising was a page-turner. Every time I thought I could put the book down, it beckoned me to keep reading.

I highly recommend this book, especially if you like mysteries with a unique New Jersey focus. My only recommendation would be for the series to be named the Lauren Fox/Frank Nagler novels. Lauren is as much the brains of the operation as Frank.

I have read several Frank Nagler novels-A Game Called Dead, The Swamps of Jersey-and have been waiting for this one to be published.

The author’s summary provides a good overview.

Detective Frank Nagler is recalled from medical leave to lead an investigation into the bombing.

He finds a shadowy organization called The Dragony, whose roots go back to the early days of Ironton’s manufacturing and mining history, a history involving Nagler’s family in strange ways.

He also finds a decades-old conspiracy designed not just to enrich the Dragony leaders but to threaten the existence of Ironton itself.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Lonely Widowhood
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Such a Fun Age

Read: October 2021

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Such a Fun Age

by Kiley Reid

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid. Although many reviewers highly rated this book, I was unsure it was the book for me. However, once I started reading, I could not stop. It is “a striking and surprising debut novel from a compelling new voice. Such a Fun Age is a big-hearted story about race and privilege, set around a young Black babysitter, her well-intentioned employer, and a surprising connection that threatens to undo them both.

Alix Chamberlain is a woman who gets what she wants and has made a living with her confidence-driven brand, showing other women how to do the same. So she is shocked when her babysitter, Emira Tucker, is confronted while watching the Chamberlains’ toddler one night, walking the aisles of their local high-end supermarket. The store’s security guard, seeing a young Black woman out late with a White child, accuses Emira of kidnapping two-year-old Briar. A small crowd gathers, a bystander films everything, and Emira is furious and humiliated. Alix resolves to make things right.

But Emira herself is aimless, broke, and wary of Alix’s desire to help. At 25, she is about to lose her health insurance and has no idea what to do with her life. When the video of Emira unearths someone from Alix’s past, both women find themselves on a crash course that will upend everything they think they know about themselves and each other.

With empathy and piercing social commentary, Such a Fun Ageexplores the stickiness of transactional relationships, what it means to make someone “family”, and the complicated reality of being a grown-up. It is a searing debut for our times.

When race and privilege are paramount issues, this book is a first step to understanding the intersectionality of the issues and addressing them. I recommend this book with our reservation.

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The Midnight Bargain

Read: February 2022

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The Midnight Bargain

by C.L. Polk

The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk is about Beatrice Clayborn, a sorceress, who was the next book to read. She practices magic in secret, terrified of being locked into a marital collar that will cut off her powers to protect her unborn children. She dreams of becoming a full-fledged Magus and pursuing magic as her calling as men do. Still, her family has staked everything to equip her for Bargaining Season, when young men and women of means descend upon the city to negotiate the best marriages. The Clayborn’s are in severe debt, and only she can save them by securing a good match before their creditors call.

In a stroke of luck, Beatrice finds a grimoire that contains the key to becoming a Magus, but before she can purchase it, a rival sorceress swindles the book right out of her hands. Beatrice summons a spirit to help her get it back, but her new ally exacts a price: Beatrice’s first kiss . . . with her adversary’s brother, the handsome, compassionate, and fabulously wealthy Ianthe Lavan.

The more Beatrice is entangled with the Lavan siblings, the harder her decision becomes: If she casts the spell to become a Magus, she will devastate her family and lose the only man to ever see her for who she is, but if she marries—even for love—she will sacrifice her magic, her identity, and her dreams. But how can she choose just one, knowing she will forever regret the path not taken?

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Breathe

Read: September 2021

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Breathe

by Joyce Carol Oates

Celebrate JanReading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Although the book might trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey.

Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness, topics that I write about on this blog. I needed to read the book both for my mental health and for the readers of Sharing Jan’s Love.

The protagonist, Michaela, loses her husband while they are on a sabbatical in New Mexico. Her husband, Gerard, writes a book and teaches a class on memories. Jan and I never considered relocating before her illness, but this book convinced me that it would have aggravated my grief journey.

One of the parallels I observed while reading the novel is the similarity between Gerard’s reluctance to let family, friends, and co-workers know of his illness. Jan shared that reluctance in the early days, but I convinced her that the only chance of beating cancer was with the help of family and friends.

This dialogue could easily be one that Jan and I had.

Of course you want to summon his family—his (adult) children—but quickly, he says no.

Still waiting.

But – When?

Just not yet.

He is not an alarmist. (You are the alarmist.)

The novel is written in two parts – The Vigil and the Post-Mortem.

The opening paragraphs set the tone.

A Hand is gripping yours. Warm, dry hand gripping your slippery, humid hand.

Whoever it is urging you – Breathe!

Leaning over you begging you – Breathe!

As one mourning the death of the love of his life, I found several phrases in the book helpful in understanding what I have gone through and will continue to confront.

Among them is grief-vise, which I have written about in this stream.

In the grip of the grief vise, all that you will do, all that you even imagine doing, will require many times more effort.. Hardly daring to breathe for the grief-vise will tighten around your chest, squeezing the very air out of your lungs.

In the early stages of grief, the vise was strangling me. Breathing was impossible, and weeping was constant at times.

Michaela struggles with her grief. Seeing her husband every time she sees a man alone, even if they are older or younger than he was. I know I have felt Jan’s presence and still expect her to walk into our apartment.

Her struggles with a grief counselor and overly helpful friends are an experience I have not had but are familiar to those suffering from losing a loved one.

The last chapters are ones in which time becomes confusing and chaotic. At times, I was uncertain about which were real or imagined. The end, like all good novels, was ambiguous.

These are some of the other phrases I have found useful and will include in posts.

  • If there is no one to love, do we merit existence?
  • Never come to the end of kissing.
  • The first principle of life is; Breathe.
  • Shy in the language of intimacy.
  • As if a life lived with strangers could compensate for the emptiness in your heart.
  • No purpose in your life. No compass.

What you love most, that you will lose. The price of your love is your loss.

I recommend this book to all readers, even those struggling with grief.

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Whale Fall: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Whale Fall: A Novel

by Elizabeth O'Connor

I have started reading “Whale Fall: A Novel” by Elizabeth O’Connor. With its unique blend of loss, isolation, folklore, and the journey of self-discovery, this debut novel offers a compelling narrative set in 1938 on a remote Welsh island. The story is catalyzed by the arrival of a dead whale, a powerful symbol that sets the stage for the characters’ journeys.

The story revolves around Manod, a young woman who has spent her entire life on the island. Despite their island home’s harsh yet stunning surroundings, Manod yearns to explore life beyond it, a desire that will resonate with many readers.

As two English ethnographers arrive to study the island’s culture, Manod sees it as a potential escape from her community. However, her growing involvement with them triggers a profound internal conflict. She grapples with the dilemma of pursuing her desires or remaining loyal to her community. This struggle resonates with the universal human experience, making it a compelling read for many.

Whale Fall‘ vividly portrays the tensions that surface when one person’s aspirations threaten the unity of a community. O’Connor’s narrative skillfully depicts the community and Manod on the brink, forced to confront a world that seems to infringe upon them. This evokes a sense of admiration for O’Connor’s storytelling prowess, making it a must-read for literary fiction enthusiasts.

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All the Sinners Bleed- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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All the Sinners Bleed: A Novel

by S. A. Cosby

Today, I delved into the gripping pages of “All the Sinners Bleed” by S. A. Cosby. This enthralling novel centers around Titus Crown, the first African American sheriff in Charon County, Virginia. Despite the county’s reputation for traditional customs such as moonshine, cornbread, and honeysuckle, Titus, with his FBI expertise, knows that the peace won’t last forever.

On the first anniversary of Titus’s election, a schoolteacher is murdered by an ex-student, and Titus’s deputies take down the perpetrator. As Titus delves deeper into the case, he uncovers a web of horrendous crimes and finds a serial killer lurking in plain sight, haunting Charon’s dirt roads and woodland clearings.

Titus is determined to solve the case, even though it is linked to a nearby church, and he harbors a personal secret that plagues him. However, he faces opposition from a far-right group who want to hold a parade to honor the town’s Confederate past while he tries to solve the issue.

Despite the challenges, Titus remains resolute in his love for Charon and his commitment to finding justice. The collision of religion and hatred cannot deter him from his duty.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Still Life: A GMA Book Club Pick: A Novel

Read: January 2025

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Still Life: A Novel

by Sarah Winman

I began reading “Still Life,” a GMA Book Club pick by Sarah Winman. This captivating and bighearted novel weaves a rich tapestry of stories about people connected by love, war, art, flood, and the ghost of E.M. Forster. Kristen V. Brown, in The Atlantic Magazine’s Culture Survey, describes “Still Life” as the best novel she has recently read and considers it the best nonfiction work.

In Tuscany in 1944, as Allied troops advance and bombs fall around deserted villages, a young English soldier, Ulysses Temper, finds himself in the wine cellar of an abandoned villa. There, he encounters Evelyn Skinner, a middle-aged art historian who has come to Italy to salvage paintings from the ruins and recall long-forgotten memories of her youth. In each other, Ulysses and Evelyn find a kindred spirit amidst the rubble of war-torn Italy and set off on a course of events that will shape Ulysses’s life for the next four decades.

As Ulysses returns home to London, reimmersing himself in his crew at The Stoat and Parot—a motley mix of pub crawlers and eccentrics—he carries his time in Italy. And when an unexpected inheritance brings him back to where it all began, Ulysses knows better than to tempt fate and returns to the Tuscan hills.

With beautiful prose, extraordinary tenderness, and bursts of humor and light, Still Life is a sweeping portrait of unforgettable individuals who come together to make a family and a deeply drawn celebration of beauty and love in all its forms.



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