Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Flying Alone to Camp Widow

Flying Alone to Camp Widow

Jan the GardenerI have never liked the word widow. It is better than widower but does not describe who or how I am.

But today, for the first time since COVID, I am flying across the continental US to attend Camp Widow.

Perhaps for seventy-two hours, I will need to smile and accept being called a widow.

Flying alone should be no different than living alone.

Perhaps I will fly high enough to blow a kiss to Jan.

Love never dies.


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Am I Still Married or Am I Widowed?

Am I still married, or am I widowed? is a question that I mull over.

Most of my family and friends never think about it as they are sure I am a widow, and they based this on the legal and religious definition of marriage only lasting "till death do us part."

I always believed Jan and I were married for eternity when we met.

Stories are the Best Memories!

Stories are the Best Memories!

Jan and MikeI have kept a daily journal of my grief journey for over a year.

In the beginning, I wrote daily in a Word document.

I believed that some of what I had to say was private, and I would share only portions on the website.

Either my determination of what is private has changed, or I have chosen to only write from a positive point of view.

Since the Spring, everything I have written I have published on this website.

I view my writings as either the first draft of history or an ongoing love letter to Jan.

Either way, the words create stories that help me keep her memory alive.

Like love, stories never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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February Dreams

VISTA volunteer in Williamsburg.

My life was beginning to find meaning and purpose.

My journal entries indicated that I was confident I would regain the love I had lost by the spring.

full-time caregiver for Jan, the love of my life. Despite our best efforts, she remained very fragile. I prayed March would bring a full recovery.

Nick, Wes and Mike

Wes Jude Is One Week Old!

Elyssa and Wes

Wes Jude, how old are you today? One week old and happy to be here.

The joy that filled my heart when I heard that Wes Jude Nucero was born continues reverberating in my heart and soul. He is a bundle of happiness that reminds us that life continues despite his grandma Jan’s death.

As I mentioned in the stream, the day he was born, Jude, the middle name, is in honor of Jan, the love of my life, Mike’s mom, and Wes’s grandmother.

It is also a nod to her love of music, especially The Beatles and their song Hey Jude.

Every time I think of Wes Jude, I start humming Hey Jude!

My love for Jan will never die!


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Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

Jude, the middle name, honors Jan, the love of my life, Mike's mom, and Wes's grandmother. It also shows her love of music, especially The Beatles and Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude's birth on this day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

Show thread (1)

Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

All I Ever Needed Was Jan’s Love!

Jan on the GondolaI woke up this morning humming All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Of course, all I ever needed was Jan’s love.

In the 1960s, Jan and I would sing the chorus with the Beatles,

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

Until I met Jan, I honestly never understood love. She transformed my life, and my love for her will never die.

Humming the song today, I made a minor adjustment. Now and forever! All I need is Jan’s Love!


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Power of Love

In the 1960’s I would sing the chorus with the Beatles, All you need is love. All you need is love All you need is love, love Love is all you need Of course, I was constantly reminded that you needed more than love to pay the bills. Before meeting Jan, I found work that […]
Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala

I Will Never Leave You!

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

A few moments before the alarm on my Apple Watch went off, I woke in a cold sweat.

I had heard Jan’s voice asking me again why I had stayed with her after the cancer diagnosis.

“A lot of people abandon their love ones when they have cancer,” she said emphatically.

My response always was that I would never leave her.

When she was in a better mood, she would always say.

I could not have managed my cancer fight without your love and support.

If I could have asked Jan one last question, it would be why did she think I would leave her because she had cancer.

I loved her, and I still love her. Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Feather in the Water

A Feather on the Water

A Feather on the Water by Lindsay Jayne Ashford is an excellent historical fiction of the post-was era fr displaced people. I highly recommend it. The tagline reads, "for three women in postwar Germany, 1945 is a time of hope—lost and found." I have always enjoyed historical fiction, and A Feather on the Water seemed like a perfect choice.

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Coincidental or a Sign from Jan?

Coincidental or a Sign From Jan?

April Showers Set the Stage for Jan's Birthday

Artwork graciously provided by Emi Sato.

Jan and I lived in Teaneck for twenty years and raised our sons.

Yesterday after a score of years, I was in Temple Emeth in Teaneck.

I was there to attend a funeral for the mother of one of my new widow friends. It was a lovely and moving service and an honor to be able to participate and support a fellow widow.

Life, as we know, is full of signs from our loved ones.

Driving home on the Parkway from the funeral, I was behind a truck for a company called Jan Fence.

At first, I did not notice as I was thinking of the beautiful funeral service.

Once I focused on the pickup truck, it reminded me that the love Jan and I shared would never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Flying Alone to Camp Widow
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Stories are the Best Memories!
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Nick, Wes and Mike
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Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala
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Jan and Richard at YWCA Gala
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A Feather in the Water

Read: July 2022

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A Feather on the Water

by Lindsay Jayne Ashford

A Feather on the Water by Lindsay Jayne Ashford is an excellent historical fiction of the post-was era for displaced people. I highly recommend it. The tagline reads, “for three women in postwar Germany, 1945 is a time of hope—lost and found.” I have always enjoyed historical fiction, and A Feather on the Water seemed like a perfect choice.

The opening paragraphs confirmed my decision, as Martha, one of the three women, escapes from her abusive husband in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Martha and the two other characters, Delphine and Kitty, come to life with Ms. Ashford’s gifted pen.

Like a feather in the water, our lives continue despite the trials and tribulations we must confront.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Just weeks after World War II ends, three women from different corners of the world arrive in Germany to run a displaced-persons camp. They long to help rebuild shattered lives—including their own.

For Martha, going to Germany provides an opportunity to escape Brooklyn and a violent marriage. Arriving from England is orphaned Kitty. She hopes working at the camp will bring her closer to her parents, last seen before the war began. For Delphine, Paris has been a city of ghosts after her husband and son died in Dachau. Working at the camp is her chance to find meaning again by helping other victims of Hitler’s regime.

Charged with the care of more than two thousand camp residents, Martha, Delphine, and Kitty draw on each other’s strength to endure and to give hope when all seems lost. Among these strangers and survivors, they might find the love and closure they need to heal their hearts and leave their troubled pasts behind.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Coincidental or a Sign from Jan?
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The Hidden Life of Trees

Read: August 2021

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The Hidden Life of Trees

by Peter Wohlleben

The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate ― Discoveries from A Secret World is a book I have wanted but had not had the time to read. In July of this year, when I was still in the early stages of my recovery journey, I talked to a friend of my wife’s (whom I now count as my friend) about our plans to plant a tree in Hanson Park.

As I talked about our plans, my friend suggested I read this book as it would help me understand the importance of trees. I will forever be grateful for her recommendation, as it made me read this book sooner than later.

To read that trees have a social network with more prominent, healthier trees concerned about the smaller, weaker ones. How is it that humans, a supposedly advanced species, have a social network that divides and weakens our community?

Are trees social beings? In The Hidden Life of Trees forester and author Peter Wohlleben convincingly makes the case that, yes, the forest is a social network. He draws on groundbreaking scientific discoveries to describe how trees are like human families: tree parents live together with their children, communicate with them, support them as they grow, share nutrients with those who are sick or struggling, and even warn each other of impending dangers. Wohlleben also shares his deep love of woods and forests, explaining the amazing processes of life, death, and regeneration he has observed in his woodland.

Having read this book, I am more sensitive to trees and have enjoyed my walks more than ever. In addition, when we plant Jan’s tree in Hanson Park, I will now have even more reasons to talk about the importance of trees to Jan, myself, and the community.

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Black Sun

Read: November 2021

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Black Sun – Between the Earth and Sky

by Rebecca Roanhorse

Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse.  Black Sun is the first book in the Between Earth and Sky trilogy, inspired by the civilizations of the Pre-Columbian Americas and woven into a tale of celestial prophecies, political intrigue, and forbidden magic.

I have always enjoyed fantasy novels like Black Sun, and this is the first one set in the Pre-Columbian Americas.

A god will return
When the earth and sky converge
Under the black sun

In the holy city of Tova, the winter solstice is usually a time for celebration and renewal, but this year, it coincides with a solar eclipse, a rare celestial event proscribed by the Sun Priest as an unbalancing of the world.

Meanwhile, a ship launches from a distant city bound for Tova and set to arrive on the solstice. The captain of the ship, Xiala, is a disgraced Teek whose song can calm the waters around her as quickly as it can warp a man’s mind. Her ship carries one passenger. Described as harmless, the passenger, Serapio, is a young man, blind, scarred, and cloaked in destiny. As Xiala well knows, when a man is described as harmless, he usually ends up being a villain.

Will Serapio be harmless or a villain? The answer, my friend, will be known when you read this book or perhaps the second one in the trilogy.

Before meeting and falling forever in love with Jan, I had dreamed of the life of an American Studies professor. Thousands of students are relieved to know I did not pursue that life. If I had opened that door, an area of focus would have been on Pre-Columbian Americas.

I recommend this book and will read the next two in the Between Earth and Sky trilogy.

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Weather

Read: March 2022

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Weather: A Novel

by Jenny Offil

Weather: A Novel by Jenny Offil was a book that I was confused and uncertain if I wanted to finish for the first few pages. I am delighted that I did, and I highly recommend this book. Its brief diary-like dispatches about life in our time when we sense that we may all be doomed to a climate catastrophe made this a book I truly enjoyed reading. The subtext of the rise of right-wing strongmen in the USA and abroad adds to the crisis her dispatches describe.

Her Obligatory Note of Hope challenges all of us to engage in solutions instead of accepting doom.

How can we contribute to the common good? There are people all over the world trying to answer these questions. In big ways but also in small ways. In grand leaps but also in fits and starts.

I always thought it was ridiculous to try and fight for social change when I couldn’t even get my own house in order. How could a meat-eating, plane-flying, march-hating person like me ever find a place in the climate justice movement? But then I started to read about all the different ways ordinary people were refusing to give into fatalism and were exploring the possibilities of what they could do, what they might fight for in this half-ruined world of ours.

There were saints among these accidental activists, but also stone-cold hypocrites like me. Slowly, I began to see collective action as the antidote to my dithering and despair.

There’s a way in for everyone. Aren’t you tired of all this fear and dread?

Goodreads provides an overview of the book if you are not yet convinced to read it.

 Lizzie Benson is a very relatable woman who slid into her job as a librarian without a traditional degree. But this gives her a vantage point from which to practice her other calling: a fake shrink. She has tended to her God-haunted mother and her recovering addict brother for years. They have both stabilized for the moment, but Lizzie has little chance to spend her new free time with her husband and son before her old mentor, Sylvia Liller, proposes. She wants to hire Lizzie to answer the mail she receives: left-wingers worried about climate change and right-wingers concerned about the decline of western civilization. Sylvia has become famous for her prescient podcast, Hell and High Water, and wants to hire Lizzie to answer the mail she receives: from left-wingers worried about climate change and right wingers worried about the decline of western civilization.

As Lizzie dives into this polarized world, she begins to wonder what it means to keep tending your own garden once you’ve seen the flames beyond its walls. When her brother becomes a father and Sylvia a recluse, Lizzie is forced to address the limits of her own experience. But she still tries to save everyone, using everything she’s learned about empathy and despair, conscience and collusion, floundering the library stacks her years of wa.. And all the while the voices of the city keep floating in—funny, disturbing, and increasingly mad.

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Orbital

Read: December 2023

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Orbital: A Novel

by Samantha Harvey

Today, I started reading “Orbital” by Samantha Harvey. “Orbital” is a slender novel with epic power that captures a single day in the lives of six women and men hurtling through space. The author’s prose is poetic and impossible to put aside. Watching the Earth through the eyes of space travelers is refreshing. If I finish reading it by Sunday, it will be the 78th book I’ve read this year or the first one of 2024.

They are not going towards the moon or the vast unknown but are orbiting our planet. These astronauts and cosmonauts come from various countries, including America, Russia, Italy, Britain, and Japan. They are selected for one of the last space station missions before the program is dismantled. They have left their lives behind to travel over seventeen thousand miles an hour as the earth reels below.

Throughout the book, we catch glimpses of their earthly lives through brief communications with their families, photos, and talismans. We watch them whip up dehydrated meals, float in gravity-free sleep, and exercise in regimented routines to prevent their muscles from atrophying. We also witness them form bonds that will stand between them and utter solitude. Most importantly, we are with them as they behold and record their silent blue planet. Their experiences of sixteen sunrises and sunsets and the bright, blinking constellations of the galaxy are breathtakingly beautiful and surprisingly intimate. Additionally, we get to see the marks of civilization far below, encrusted on the planet on which we live.

It is a profound, contemplative, and gorgeous book that eloquently meditates on space. Moreover, it is a moving elegy reflecting our humanity, environment, and planet.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. For gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Bluff: Poems

Read: December 2024

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Bluff: Poems

by Danez Smith

Today, I began reading Bluff: Poems by Danez Smith, which was selected as one of The New York Times 100 Notable Books of 2024. This collection emerged after two years of artistic silence, during which the world slowed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and Minneapolis became the epicenter of protests following the murder of George Floyd. In Bluff, Danez Smith powerfully reflects on their role and responsibilities as a poet and their connection to their hometown of the Twin Cities.

This book addresses the awakening from violence, guilt, shame, and critical pessimism to a sense of wonder, envisioning how we might strive for a new existence in a world that seems to be descending into desolate futures.

Smith infuses these poems with a startling urgency; their questions demand a new language, deep self-scrutiny, and virtuosic textual shapes. A series of ars poetica gives way to “anti-poetica” and “ars America,” implicating poetry in collusion with unchecked capitalism. A photographic collage builds across a sequence, illustrating the consequences of America’s acceptance of mass shootings. Additionally, a brilliant long poem—part map, part annotation, part visual argument—offers the history of Saint Paul’s vibrant Rondo neighborhood before and after officials decided to route an interstate directly through it.

Bluff is a manifesto of artistic resilience, even when the time feels fleeting and the places we hold dear—both given and created—are in turmoil. Smith turns to honesty, hope, rage, and imagination in this powerful collection to envision possible futures.

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Piranesi

Read: May 2022

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Piranesi: A Novel by Susanna Clarke

by Susanna Clarke

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke is about a man known as Piranesi who lives in a big house and explores the labyrinth of rooms and hopes of understanding the meaning. Is it any surprise that I would pick this book as my thirtieth of the year? As a widow, I journal and journey in a life I did not expect to live, and I still believe I will find meaning and purpose. 

In addition, a labyrinth is one of the options we have discussed for the next phase of the work in Hanson Park.

Piranesi is a page-turner, but that does not fully describe the beauty of the world that Susanna Clarke created. I highly recommend this book as it is one of my best this year. 

The Goodreads summary provides an overview of Piranesi by Susanna Clarke.

Piranesi’s house is no ordinary building: its rooms are infinite, its corridors endless, its walls are lined with thousands upon thousands of statues, each one different from all the others. Within the labyrinth of halls an ocean is imprisoned; waves thunder up staircases, rooms are flooded in an instant. But Piranesi is not afraid; he understands the tides as he understands the pattern of the labyrinth itself. He lives to explore the house.

There is one other person in the house—a man called The Other, who visits Piranesi twice a week and asks for help with research into A Great and Secret Knowledge. But as Piranesi explores, evidence emerges of another person, and a terrible truth begins to unravel, revealing a world beyond the one Piranesi has always known.

For readers of Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane and fans of Madeline Miller’s Circe, Piranesi introduces an astonishing new world, an infinite labyrinth, full of startling images and surreal beauty, haunted by the tides and the clouds.


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