Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Healing from Greif

Loving Jan More to Minimize Grief

Jan, the love of my lifeThirteen months into my grief journey, I watched Andrew Huberman’s Lab Podcast on The Science and Process of Healing from Grief. I had avoided focusing on neuroscience in the initial year after Jan died. 

In retrospect, I should have listened to this podcast sooner. 

Dr. Huberman explains the three dimensions of relationships and the need to remap them during grief.

The three dimensions are:

  1. Emotional attachment
  2. Time and
  3. Space

During the Flower Show, I was momentarily able to strengthen my emotional attachment to Jan while remapping the time and space dimensions. I knew that Jan was with me. However, I was not looking for her or expecting her to walk into the flower show. 

I will be working on remapping my brain for years, but I felt I was making progress for one day. 


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Love Never Dies

Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter June Issue is Online!

Jan, the love of my lifeThe June issue includes articles on Wedding Roadblocks and Shadows from the Past – both are stories about our love, faith, and family journey.

I have reviewed recent books:

  1. Anxious People by Fredrik Backman,
  2. Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel,
  3. The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab, and
  4. The Brighter the Light by Mary Ellen Taylor.

Please consider making a Donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Enjoy this issue and share it with anyone who might be interested.


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Sharing Jan’s Love May Issue is Online!

Sharing Jan's Love Newsletter May Issue is Online! The May issue includes articles on:
Beauty in my Heart During Grief

Beauty in My Heart During Grief

Jon, Jan, and MikeDuring my visit to the Philadelphia Flower Show this week, one of the gold medal flower exhibits referenced the Blaise Pascal quote.

In difficult times, carry something beautiful in your heart.

I have always tried to remember to carry something beautiful in my heart, but it can be challenging to accomplish during grief.

Wednesday at the Flower Show, I found that I could simultaneously carry two beautiful images in my heart and mind. 

One was of all the beautiful flowers.

The other was almost fifty years of beautiful, loving memories of Jan

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Merrit Malloy, Epitaph


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Flower Show Memories

As Jan and I walked into the Convention Center on March 1, 2019, to attend the Philadelphia Flower Show, we breathed in Spring despite Jan's aversion to pollen.

We never contemplated that we would ever attend another flower show together.

In 2020, Jan was too sick, and with the pending arrival of COVID, it was not safe for her to travel.

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Flower Show With Friends

Flower Show 2022 With Friends

My new wingsJan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show. During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go. I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated this year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.

Fellow widows have warned me how difficult it is to be an extra when socializing with a couple. I did not feel any anxiety.

We enjoyed the Flower Show, dinners, and long conversations about grief and walked under the strawberry moon’s beam. We are planning other social events and looking forward to next year’s Flower Show.

Jan was with me on every step I took during the Flower Show. The love we shared will never die; it will only grow stronger daily!


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Flower Show Memories

As Jan and I walked into the Convention Center on March 1, 2019, to attend the Philadelphia Flower Show, we breathed in Spring despite Jan's aversion to pollen.

We never contemplated that we would ever attend another flower show together.

In 2020, Jan was too sick, and with the pending arrival of COVID, it was not safe for her to travel.

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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Fire and Rain Couldn’t Dampen My Love!

Jan LilienOn June 7-9 last year, I was at the Philadelphia Flower Show by myself.

It was not easy five weeks after Jan died, but I needed to travel alone to the show.

Jan and I are members of the Pennsylvania Horticultural Society (PHS) and have attended the flower show almost every year for decades.

We believed that Jan would recover from her cancer, so we had planned to attend before her death. During hospice, she encouraged me to go with family members.

I made the journey but could not attend the event due to thunderstorms.

Today, I will attend the 2021 Philadelphia Flower Show. Will I be more fortunate this year?


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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Flower Show Memories

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

As Jan and I walked into the Convention Center on March 1, 2019, to attend the Philadelphia Flower Show, we breathed in Spring despite Jan’s aversion to pollen.

We never contemplated that we would ever attend another flower show together.

In 2020, Jan was too sick, and with the pending arrival of COVID, it was not safe for her to travel.

In 2021 it was held outdoors five weeks after Jan died. I drove on my own to Philadelphia, but heavy rain, wind, and thunder kept me from attending.

Today, I am traveling with two good friends to attend the 2021 Philadelphia Flower Show. It won’t be easy to participate without Jan, but I know she will still be with me.


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Reluctantly Home

Reluctantly Home

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future- it was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark assist me in managing these two worlds? Surprisingly, it did.

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Healing from Greif
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Love Never Dies
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Beauty in my Heart During Grief
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Flower Show With Friends
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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
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Reluctantly Home

Read: June 2022

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Reluctantly Home

by Imogen Clark

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future-a topic that was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark help me manage these two worlds?

Surprisingly it did. Unlike the two protagonists, I am mourning losing Jan, the love of my life. However, the neuromapping in my brain made it impossible to understand how to continue to love Jan and separate that from the time and space connections that made me believe she would return at any moment.

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark helped me understand that grief should and cannot define us forever. I recommend this book to all readers, not only those on a grief journey like mine.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Pip Appleby seems to have it all, with her prestigious job as a human rights lawyer and her enviable London home. But then a tragic accident stops her life in its tracks, and everything changes instantly. Retreating to her family’s rural farm and the humble origins she has been trying to hide, Pip is haunted by what she has done.

When she discovers the diary of actress Evelyn Mountcastle in a box of old books, Pip revels in the opportunity to lose herself in someone else’s life rather than focus on the disaster that is her own. But soon, she sees parallels—Evelyn’s life was also beset by tragedy, and, like Pip, she returned to Southwold under a dark cloud.

When Pip and Evelyn’s paths cross in real life, they slowly begin to reveal the hidden stories holding them back. Can they help each other forgive what happened in the past and, perhaps, find happiness in the future?


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After Annie: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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After Annie: A Novel

by Anna Quindlen

I started reading “After Annie: A Novel” by Anna Quindlen today. Forty years ago, my wife Jan and I used to read Ms. Quindlen’s column “Life in the Thirties” in The New York Times, even if we didn’t have time to read anything else. We clipped and saved each column, which helped us manage getting older with children. I am reading “After Annie,” which is about how love can overcome loss.

Anna Quindlen, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Still Life with Bread Crumbs and One True Thing, is known for her insightful wisdom on family, friendship, and the bonds that unite us. Her latest novel explores the power of love to overcome loss and adversity.

The story centers around the Brown family and their closest friend, Annie. When Annie suddenly passes away, the family is forced to navigate life without their beloved wife, mother, and friend. Bill, Annie’s husband, struggles to cope with the loss, while Annemarie, her best friend, must confront the bad habits she once overcame with Annie’s help. Ali, Annie’s eldest child, must take on new responsibilities to care for her younger brothers and father.

Although Annie is no longer physically present, her memory continues to guide and inspire those who love her. Her voice resonates in their minds, offering them comfort, wisdom, and clarity. Through the power of her love, Annie gives her family the strength they need to move on without her. They learn that even though their beloved Annie is gone, she will always be with them in spirit.

After Annie” is a poignant and touching story exploring the unanticipated ways adversity can transform our lives. With her signature style that strikes an emotional chord, Quindlen delivers a heartwarming tale about the tenacity of love and how it can triumph over even the most formidable obstacles. This story of hope is a testament to the enduring strength of the human spirit and its ability to rise above life’s challenges. It inspires us to believe in the power of love and its capacity to reshape our lives for the better.

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A Game Called Dead

Read: November 2021

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A Game Called Dead

by Michael Stephen Daigle

A Game Called Dead by Michael Stephen Daigle is the sequel to “The Swamps of Jersey,” the first Frank Nagler Mystery. Having read the fourth one – The Red Hand, I recently read the first one and thought this was an excellent time to read the second in this impressive deceptive series.

Reading the Frank Nagler Mysteries is rare when this reviewer knows the author. Mr. Daigle wrote this is the overview of A Game Called Dead.

Nagler is called to investigate the brutal attack on two women at the local college. It begins a tale of urban terror, which seems to be directed at Nagler and his associates.

The story introduces the mysterious terrorist #ARMEGEDDON, who taunted the police from cyberspace.

The story also digs deeper into Nagler’s past, especially the old Charlie Adams serial-killer case, and his relationship with Lauren Fox, who played a crucial role in exposing the political corruption in “Swamps.” She is back and steps into the front of Nagler’s life.

The story also introduced Harriet Waddley-Jones, a college dean, Nagler’s nemesis, and later ally.

Each book is a challenge to write a “better” book. In this case, I wanted tighter, faster action to develop a theme and flow to help carry the story. Sound and the description of sound are keys.

I also wanted Nagler to confront aspects of his past. Can he reconcile them, or will they always haunt him?

This reviewer’s opinion was a more substantial plot than the first book in the Frank Nagler Mysteries. Like all good mysteries, the suspense built page by page, and I figured out who the villain was late in the novel.

The one part that was difficult for me to read was the ending and the potential reigniting of the relationship with Lauren Fox. Having lost Jan, my wife, this year, I am aware of Frank Nagler’s pain in the first book about losing his wife. Ms. Fox only appeared in The Swamps of Jersey as a lost friend. I understand that some widows need to find love again to feel happy, which is not what I need or am seeking. The next book may provide some difficult moments on this topic, but I look forward to reading the next Frank Nagler Mystery.

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Blue Skies: A Novel

Read: August 2023

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Blue Skies: A Novel

by T. C. Boyle

I started reading Blue Skies: A Novel by T. C. Boyle today. The book is an eco-thriller with comedic elements. It explores the relationships between humans and their habitats in a world where natural disasters frequently occur, where “the only truism seems to be that things always get worse.”

Denied a dog, a baby, and even a faithful fiancé, Cat suddenly craves a snake: a glistening, writhing creature that can be worn like “jewelry, living jewelry” to match her black jeans. But when the budding social media star promptly loses the young “Burmie” she buys from a local pet store, she inadvertently sets a chain of increasingly dire and outrageous events threatening her survival.

Blue Skies follows the tradition of T. C. Boyle’s finest novels, combining high-octane plotting with biting wit and intelligent social commentary. Here Boyle, one of the most inventive voices in contemporary fiction, transports us to water-logged and heat-ravaged coastal America, where Cat and her hapless, nature-loving family—including her eco-warrior parents, Ottilie and Frank; her brother, Cooper, an entomologist; and her frat-boy-turned-husband, Todd—are struggling to adapt to the “new normal,” in which once-in-a-lifetime natural disasters happen once a week and drinking seems to be the only way to cope.

But there’s more than meets the eye to this compulsive family drama. Lurking beneath the bland façade of twenty-first-century Californians and Floridians attempting to preserve normalcy in the face of violent weather perturbations is a caricature of materialist American society that doubles as a prophetic warning about our planet’s future. Blue Skies deftly explores the often volatile relationships between humans and their habitats, from pet bees and cricket-dependent diets to massive species die-offs and pummeling hurricanes, in which “the only truism seems to be that things always get worse.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Surgeon's Daughter

Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

by Audrey Blake

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.

Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.

Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Celestial Navigation

Read: June 2021

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Celestial Navigation

by Anne Tyler

 

Celestial Navigation by Anne Tyler is a book I found on our bookshelf about a month after my wife passed away. The title and a mental note that my wife had recommended it made it an easy choice.

One of the main characters, thirty-eight-year-old Jeremy Pauling, had never left home. In the early stages of grief, I was nowhere near making a similar choice and remaining housebound. However, if I had been, this book would have caused me to reject that idea immediately.

After the death of his mother, he takes in Mary Tell and her daughter as boarders. The other boarders quickly realize that Jeremy is falling in love with Mary despite his fragility and inexperience with women.

To share more about the book would reveal details that might be spoilers.

For me, the book was a good read and one that reminded me that love is both beautiful and complicated. Although Jan and I shared passion was nothing like theirs, it was helpful to compare their love and ours when my loss seemed impossible.

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Ghostroots: Stories

Read: October 2024

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Ghostroots: Stories

by ’Pemi Aguda

Today, I started reading Ghostroots: Stories by ’Pemi Aguda, a finalist for the 2024 National Book Award for Fiction. This collection features twelve imaginative stories set in Lagos, Nigeria, in which ’Pemi Aguda explores the tension between our desire to be individuals and the influence of our past. One of the stories, “Breastmilk,” was shortlisted for the 2024 Caine Prize for African Writing.

The story “Manifest” depicts a woman who sees the ghost of her abusive mother in her daughter’s face, which leads to her daughter exhibiting destructive behavior. In “Breastmilk,” a wife forgives her husband for infidelity. Still, she later struggles with producing milk for her newborn, feeling like she’s failed to uphold her mother’s feminist values and doubts her ability as a mother. Things Boys Do” follows a trio of fathers who sense something unnatural about their infant sons, leading to their lives falling apart as they fear their sons are the cause of their troubles. Lastly, “24, Alhaji Williams Street” tells the story of a teenage boy living in the shadow of a mysterious disease that’s killing the boys on his street.

These stories in “Ghostroots” delve into the emotional and physical worlds, unveiling the profound impact of family, myth, tradition, gender, and modernity in Nigerian society. Pemi Aguda’s storytelling, infused with empathy and humor, showcases her as a significant new literary talent. Her deep understanding of human emotions and her thorough exploration of these societal influences will leave you feeling enlightened and informed, eager to explore more of her work.

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