Wes is Eighteen Months Old

Why Am I Still Defined as a Widow?

I Am More Than What I Lost on My Worst Day

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 7 seconds

As I write this post, my youngest grandson Wes is eighteen months old. It has been thirty-two months since my wife Jan passed away. Although I miss her dearly, I choose to celebrate Wes during these milestones because, after a loss, our only choice is to choose life and live in the present moment. The memories that truly matter are the moments of love we share with our loved ones. In times of grief, these memories keep us going and help us find the strength to move forward. As I have described on several occasions, but most recently in my 2023 end-of-the-year message, I have made much progress in the nine hundred seventy-three days since her funeral.

“Don’t spend your final days grieving over me,” my wife frequently told me. And she was right. Despite losing my beloved Jan, I gained so much from our shared love. Among my wife’s last words were, ‘Richard, you are capable, you are strong, and I believe in you.’ These words have become my guiding light, and I want to share them with everyone. No matter what life throws at you, always remember you have the strength and ability to overcome it. Believe in yourself and keep choosing life! Let these words be your inspiration to rise above any challenge that comes your way.

I don’t understand why I am still referred to as a widow. Despite the loss of my spouse, I have chosen to live life to the fullest with meaning and purpose. I have discovered the transformative power of loving and being loved. I play many roles in life, including that of a father, grandfather, community activist, advocate, and observant Jew. I am a complex and multifaceted individual, and I ask the reader to consider me as such. Let’s not be defined by our worst days but rather by the strength and resilience we display in the face of adversity. I am working towards coining a new word to replace widow that better represents my identity. Until then, let’s embrace our complexity and live with purpose.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Repetitive Year Ends

Looking ahead to the future, I feel a sense of liberation as I break free from the walls that have held me back, knowing that I am becoming the best version of myself. As the board chair of Bridges, I am excited to play my part, Tikun Olam, in repairing the world and contributing to ending homelessness.

Show thread (1)

Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

I Am More Than What I Lost on My Worst Day

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 7 seconds

Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

Jude, the middle name, honors Jan, the love of my life, Mike's mom, and Wes's grandmother. It also shows her love of music, especially The Beatles and Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude's birth on this day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

2 comments add your comment

  1. I thought your quest for a new term was noble. So I shared your post with ChatGPT for some help. Here is what it came up with…

    [From ChatGPT] Certainly! Here are some alternative words to replace “widow” that emphasize a positive and forward-moving perspective:

    1. **Continuer**: Suggests someone who carries on, embodying the spirit of moving forward in life.
    2. **New Chapterist**: Implies someone who is starting a new chapter in their life following a significant change.
    3. **Life Adventurer**: Connotes a person who embraces life’s journey with enthusiasm and courage, despite challenges.
    4. **Legacy Keeper**: Emphasizes maintaining and cherishing the legacy of the loved one.
    5. **Love Forwarder**: Suggests a person who continues to spread the love they shared with their departed spouse.
    6. **Journeyer**: Indicates someone on a continuous journey, highlighting progress and personal growth.
    7. **Hope Bearer**: Implies a person who carries hope and optimism into their future.
    8. **Resilience Beacon**: Suggests a guiding light of resilience and strength in adversity.
    9. **Memory Guardian**: Focuses on guarding and honoring the memories of the loved one.
    10. **Renewal Seeker**: Conveys a sense of seeking new beginnings and rejuvenation.

    Each of these terms brings a unique perspective that aligns with Richard’s message of strength, resilience, and positive progression in life.

    • Mark, I want to thank you for your comment. ChatGPT has given me a list of words that express my message of strength, resilience, and positive progress in life. I can use these words individually or in combination as needed. I genuinely appreciate your friendship and support, as without it, I may not have reached where I am today.

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Wes is Eighteen Months Old
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Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Read: November 2022

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Civil War by Other Means

by Jeremi Suri

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln’s assassination to Garfield’s, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

I purchased a signed copy and watched a video presentation by Dr. Suri due to my membership at One Day University. Civil War by Other Means is a vivid and unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. 

I highly recommend Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

In addition, the documentary, on Apple TV+, Lowndes County and the Road to Black Power is a companion piece that illustrates the continued failure to create a multi-racial democracy. Jeremi Suri makes a convincing case that the eternal struggle for democracy continues in our time.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1865, the Confederacy was comprehensively defeated, its economy shattered, its leaders in exile or in jail. Yet in the years that followed, Lincoln’s vision of a genuinely united country never took root. Apart from a few brief months, when the presence of the Union army in the South proved liberating for newly freed Black Americans, the military victory was squandered. Old white supremacist efforts returned, more ferocious than before.

In Civil War by Other Means, Jeremi Suri shows how resistance to a more equal Union began immediately. From the first postwar riots to the return of Confederate exiles, to the impeachment of Andrew Johnson, to the highly contested and consequential election of 1876, Suri explores the conflicts and questions Americans wrestled with as competing visions of democracy, race, and freedom came to a vicious breaking point.

What emerges is a vivid and, at times, unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. What should have been a moment of national renewal was ultimately wasted, with reverberations still felt today. The recent shocks to American democracy are rooted in this forgotten, urgent history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Come and Get It

Read: February 2024

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Come and Get It

by Kiley Reid

I recently started reading “Come and Get It” by Kiley Reid, a celebrated New York Times bestselling author known for her book Such a Fun Age. The novel is about a senior resident assistant named Millie Cousins, who, in 2017, attended the University of Arkansas. Millie aspires to graduate, get a job, and buy a house.

She is offered an unusual opportunity by Agatha Paul, a visiting professor and writer, which she accepts. Unfortunately, Strange new friends, dorm pranks, and illicit behavior undermine Millie’s ambition.

Overall, “Come and Get It” is a gripping story about desire, consumption, and recklessness. It explores themes of money, indiscretion, and bad behavior through Millie’s eyes. The novel is highly anticipated, given that Kiley Reid is an acclaimed and award-winning author.

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The City We Became

Read: October 2021

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The City We Became: A Novel

by N. K. Jemisin

The City We Became: A Novel by N. K. Jemisin is my first science fiction and urban fantasy novel in quite some time. It is a story of culture, identity, magic, and myths in contemporary New York City. Jan and I had lived in New York City, and the book brought back fond memories.

Every great city has a soul. Some are ancient as myths, and others are as new and destructive as children.

But every City also has a dark side. A roiling, ancient evil stirs beneath the earth, threatening to destroy the City and her five protectors unless they can come together and stop it once and for all.

As Jemisin writes:

A city is never alone, not really — and this city seems less solitary than most. More like a family: many parts, frequently squabbling … but in the end, against enemies, they come together to protect one another. They must, or die.

The challenge is when evil forces threaten the City; the entire community needs to unite, and the City’s avatars for each of the five boroughs.

Initially, this is supposed to be one for each borough and one for the entire City. In the end, one of the avatars for the five boroughs chooses not to unite with the others. Without all six, they stand no chance to defeat the forces of evil.

How do they solve this? By adding the sixth borough – Jersey City.

I recommend this book without reservation.

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The Houseboat

Read: February 2023

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The Houseboat: A Novel

by Dane Bahr

The Houseboat: A Novel by Dane Bahr was one of 6 New Paperbacks to Read This Week in The New York Times. Miguel Salazar of the Times described it as “A girl claims her boyfriend has been murdered outside a small town in Iowa, and although no body is found, collective suspicion lands on a loner who lives in a rotting houseboat along the Mississippi River. Through chapters that shift in perspective and move through time, Bahr builds to a nail-biting denouement.”

Edward Nese, the regional marshall from Minnesota, was a character that I could identify with, as he was widowed but still married. Of course, in the early 1960s, I was still a middle school student and would probably have been freighted by The Houseboat

I recommend this true crime novel. Until the last page, you will be unsure how it will end.

After reading non-fiction history about the assassination of President Garfield, I needed a change of genre.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

James Sallis meets Mindhunter in this stylish and atmospheric noir set in a small town in Iowa in the 1960s, a midcentury heartland gothic with plentiful twists and a feverish conclusion.

Local outcast Rigby Sellers lives in squalor on a dilapidated houseboat on the Mississippi River. With only stolen manikins and the river to keep him company, Rigby spirals from the bizarre to the threatening. As a year of drought gives way to a season of storms, a girl is found trembling on the side of the road, claiming her boyfriend was murdered. The nearby town of Oscar turns its suspicions toward Sellers.

Town sheriff Amos Fielding knows this crime is more than he can handle alone. He calls on the regional marshall in Minnesota, and detective Edward Ness arrives in Oscar to help him investigate the homicide and defuse the growing unrest. Ness, suffering from his demons, is determined to put his past behind him and solve the case. But soon, more bodies are found. As Ness and Fielding uncover disturbing facts about Sellers, and a great storm floods the Mississippi, threatening the town, Oscar is pushed to a breaking point even Ness may not be able to prevent.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Don't Be a Stranger: A Novel

Read: October 2024

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Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel

by Susan Minot

Today, I began reading “Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel” by Susan Minot, a captivating new work by the author of ‘Evening.’ Known for her lyrical prose and exploration of complex human relationships, Minot’s latest novel revolves around a woman involved in a love affair during midlife. It is a radiant tale that explores themes of erotic obsession, the desire for intimacy, communication, and oblivion, which will resonate with fans of Miranda July‘s ‘All Fours,’ a book I have also read.

Ivy Cooper is 52 years old when Ansel Fleming first enters her life. Twenty years her junior, a musician newly released from prison on a minor drug charge, Ansel’s beguiling good looks and quiet intensity instantly seduce her. Despite the gulf between their ages and experience, their physical chemistry is overpowering. Over the heady weeks and months that follow, Ivy finds her life bifurcated by his presence: On the surface, she is a responsible mother, managing the demands of friends, an ex-husband, and home, but emotionally, psychologically, sexually, she is consumed by desire and increasingly alive only in the stolen moments-out-of-time, with Ansel in her bed.

Don’t Be a Stranger is a gripping, sensual, and provocative work from one of the most remarkable voices in contemporary fiction.

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Rejection: Fiction

Read: December 2024

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Rejection: Fiction

by Tony Tulathimutte

Today, I dove into Tony Tulathimutte‘s “Rejection: Fiction,” and I’m already captivated! This book was longlisted for the 2024 National Book Award in Fiction and named a New York Times Best Book of the Year. Tulathimutte, known for his award-winning work “Private Citizens,” weaves together a series of electrifying linked stories that keenly examine how rejection weaves its way into the lives and relationships of his deeply intertwined characters.

With sharp observations and outrageous humor, *Rejection* delves into the most sensitive issues of modern life. This collection of seven interconnected stories transitions smoothly between the personal crises of a complex cast of characters and the comic tragedies associated with sex, relationships, identity, and the internet.

In “The Feminist,” a young man’s passionate allyship turns into furious nihilism as he realizes, after thirty lonely years, that his efforts are not leading to romantic success or even getting laid; in “Pics,” a young woman’s unrequited crush spirals into obsession, systematically eroding her sense of self. “Ahegao; or, The Ballad of Sexual Repression,” depicts a shy late bloomer whose fumbling attempts at a first relationship result in a life-changing mistake. As these characters intersect through dating apps, social media feeds, dimly lit bars, and bedrooms, they reveal how our delusions can distort our desire for connection.

These brilliant satires examine the understated sorrows of rejection with a modern classic’s authority and a manifesto’s frenetic energy. Bold and unforgettable, Rejection is a striking mosaic that redefines what it means to face rejection from lovers, friends, society, and oneself.



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