My Apolytus Moment

Estimated reading time: 21 minutes, 12 seconds

Solo At the Flower Show – June 2021

“Richard, I want you to go to the Flower Show in June,” Jan insisted. We already have tickets and hotel reservations.” As her caregiver during the final moments of her life, I was consumed with her care and had little time to ponder my plans for early June. I would nod and agree, but deep down, I knew I might be unable to make it. Fortunately, Mike and Elyssa offered to accompany me, which kept Jan from bringing it up again.

After Jan’s passing, the first five weeks went by in a blur. I attempted to coordinate plans with Mike and Elyssa but was unsuccessful. The week before the Flower Show, I accepted I might have to go alone, which was OK. However, we faced a fierce heatwave with high temperatures and humidity that soared to the upper 90s. Though I still wanted to go to the Flower Show, the scorching weather made me rethink my decision. But then, to make matters worse, my apartment’s air conditioner condenser stopped working, and the interior of my apartment felt as hot as the streets outside.

“Sorry to inform you, Mr. Brown, that I won’t be able to arrange for a new condenser until Monday or Tuesday. Moreover, the installation process might take a day or two,” Kevin’s voice was apologetic as he conveyed the news. The announcement was disheartening, and I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me, like the plants in my apartment that had started to wilt. 

However, to my surprise, Kevin’s kindness shone through as he offered me a temporary window unit for my bedroom. It was a much-needed reprieve from the sweltering heat, but only for one room. Plus, it was noisier than the central AC. As we talked, I told Kevin I was attending the Flower Show on June 7th and 8th. I had already booked a hotel for those days and bought tickets for Tuesday afternoon, the 7th. I expressed my concern to Kevin that I might not be around on Monday or Tuesday to receive the new condenser. 

Kevin reassured me that my absence wouldn’t be a problem, as he had a master key. He put my worries to rest, and I felt grateful to have such a helpful and reliable person.

I gathered a few items for a two-night stay. I mistakenly thought the Prius belonged to my wife as I started the car and drove out of the Miln Street parking lot. I managed to avoid most of the traffic, except for the time it took to transfer from the Parkway to the Turnpike. I drove in solitude until I arrived at The Marriott Courtyard Philadelphia South at the Navy Yard, where I was relieved to have made reservations in January. The desk clerk informed me that no rooms were available, but I was grateful for my early planning. I handed over my credit card and driver’s license and requested just one key.

My room was tastefully designed and had all the necessary amenities. Before dinner, I unpacked and read a few chapters of Celestial Navigation by Anne Tyler, which my wife had recommended. The novel’s protagonist, Jeremy Pauling, who had never left home, suffered from a personal tragedy. Though I was far from making a drastic choice never to leave my house, I found the book to be a compelling reminder of the importance of embracing life’s many adventures.

After a restless night, I got up early for a walk. I was excited about attending the Flower Show in the afternoon, but my iPhone buzzed with news that it was closed for the afternoon session. Severe thunderstorms in the next few hours were the reason. I read for an hour or two as the rain pounded the windows. Mid-afternoon, the rain stopped, and the sun breached the clouds. Could the Flower Show open now that the rain was over?

I laced my walking shoes and headed to FDR Park. As I approached the entrance, I met several people who had made the same choice. “It is still closed,” I told them as I reached the gate before them. While we complained about being unable to see the show, two high school championship baseball games were underway in the park. One of the women opined, “If they can play ball, why can’t we see the flowers?

I wished them the best as I left the park and walked on Broad Street by the baseball stadium and other sports facilities. If I went two blocks to the stadium entrance and turned right, I could find the hotel and see more of the neighborhood. As I turned, I looked over my shoulder and saw thick black thunderheads racing towards me. I walked as fast as I could, but the derecho unleashed its rain faster than my feet could run. Despite being soaked to the bone, I laughed aloud as if Jan were next to me, “Honey, I did it again!”

Once I had peeled off my wet clothes and changed, I went to dinner at the hotel. While waiting for my dinner, I did not think about how I would be unable to attend this year’s Flower Show but how much Jan liked flowers and gardens. After giving her a final kiss, I accepted that she was not returning. My sons and I briefly discussed planting trees in one of their yards. I shook my head as the staff delivered my crab cake dinner. “Is the dinner OK?” he asked. Yes, I said, probably louder than necessary. Planting a tree, maybe more, is what I needed to do to keep Jan’s memory alive and prove that love never dies! I pulled out my iPhone and scanned the calendar. Jan’s birthday in 2022 was on a Sunday. Perfect!

Blood, Sweat, Tears, and Treasure – April 2024

On April 7, 2024, Temple Sha’arey Shalom and Hanson Park organized a Mitzvah Day, open to the Cranford community and aimed at cleaning up the park. Despite being a small congregation, the event was a grand success. As I walked towards the park, memories flooded in, reminding me of the day I decided to create Jan’s Memorial Garden in Hanson Park.

It all started when I returned from a rained-out Flower Show and decided to stroll through Hanson Park. As I approached the triangle, I thought it would be the perfect spot to plant a tree in honor of Jan. Although I knew it was impossible, I hoped for a sign from her.

As I was taking a walk, something magical happened. The rain ceased, the clouds parted, and the sunlight filled only the park while the downpour impacted the rest of the area. It was strange that only the park remained dry. I always believed that Jan and I shared a portion of each other’s souls, and that part of my soul vanished with Jan when she passed away. While standing in Hanson Park, I could feel Jan’s spirit with me, soaking wet, and I knew then that creating Jan’s Memorial Garden was the right thing to do. I felt her presence with me through my journey of grief. Standing next to the triangle, I felt Jan’s presence with me, and it seemed like she had sent me a message of approval. When I got home, I immediately emailed Ellen to express my desire to plant a tree in Hanson Park.

On Mitzvah Day, when I arrived at Hanson Park around noon, I saw a young mother with her kids enjoying the park. When she saw volunteers cleaning the park, she kindly offered to help and volunteered her and her children’s assistance.

As she was preparing to leave, Ellen, the park’s president, asked if the volunteer was a park member and had received the Arbor Day flyer. Unfortunately, the volunteer had not received the flyer, nor was she a park member. I immediately offered to walk her to the registration table to ensure she received the flyer and the membership form. When I handed her the flyer, she appeared overjoyed and shared how much she loved the park.

She said, “One day, I was here, and we were standing by the bench behind you, and a Robin flew over and sat down. My kids were amazed that it did not fly away. I read the inscription. When I got home, I googled Jan Lilien and was impressed by what her husband had done and wrote about her.

Her words touched my heart, and tears welled in my throat. She paused and looked at me for a moment. Oh, are you Jan’s husband?” I replied firmly and confidently, “Yes, that’s correct.

The woman spoke gently, her eyes filled with warmth and admiration as she looked at me. I never had the chance to meet Jan in person, but your heartfelt inscription and writings have made me feel as if I knew her all along,” she said. She embraced me warmly. What you’ve done to honor her memory is truly remarkable. The memorial garden you’ve created is a breathtaking and magical place unlike any other.

I heard her words, and they warmed my heart. It reminded me of a significant truth – that love never dies. The warmth I felt in my heart was overwhelming, and it made me realize that even the simplest gestures can significantly impact someone’s life. This moment is something I will cherish forever, as it gave me hope for a better tomorrow.

Despite the blood, sweat, tears, and treasure it cost to build Jan’s Memorial Garden, I knew it was worth every penny. Having a purpose to help me in my grief journey was paying dividends I dreamed of but never imagined would happen. This moment will stay with me forever, giving me hope for a better tomorrow.

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The Friend: A Novel

Read: September 2022

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The Friend: A Novel

by Sigrid Nunez

The Friend: A Novel by Sigrid Nunez is a moving story of love, friendship, grief, healing, and the magical bond between a woman and her dog. When a woman unexpectedly loses her lifelong best friend and mentor, she finds herself burdened with the unwanted dog he has left behind. I understand the positives and negatives of having a dog help with grief, but I cannot have one where I live.

One line that resonated with me was,

You can’t hurry, love, as the song goes. You can’t hurry, grief, either.

Far too often, widows are in a hurry, not unlike young lovers. We need to learn patience and remind ourselves that the more we love, the more we will grieve.

I often said that Jan would replace me with a dog if she survived me.

I recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides a concise overview,

The woman’s own battle against grief is intensified by the mute suffering of the dog, a huge Great Dane traumatized by the inexplicable disappearance of its master, and by the threat of eviction: dogs are prohibited in her apartment building.

While others worry that grief has made her a victim of magical thinking, the woman refuses to be separated from the dog except for brief periods of time. Isolated from the rest of the world, increasingly obsessed with the dog’s care, determined to read its mind and fathom its heart, she comes dangerously close to unraveling. But while troubles abound, rich and surprising rewards lie in store for both of them.

Elegiac and searching, The Friend is both a meditation on loss and a celebration of human-canine devotion.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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We Were Eight Years in Power

Read: September 2020

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We Were Eight Years in Power

by Ta-Nehisi Coates

We Were Eight Years in Power by Ta-Nehisi Coates is a collection featuring the landmark essay The Case for Reparations he wrote for The Atlantic. Even though I am a subscriber to The Atlantic and have read many of the pieces, this is a must-read book as it reflects on race, Barack Obama’s presidency, and its jarring aftermath, including the election of Donald Trump.

We were eight years in power as the lament of Reconstruction-era black politicians as the American experiment in multiracial democracy ended with the return of white supremacist rule in the South. In this sweeping collection of new and selected essays, Ta-Nehisi Coates explores the tragic echoes of that history in our own time: the unprecedented election of a black president followed by a vicious backlash that fueled the election of the man Coates argues is America’s first white president.

But the story of these present-day eight years is not just about presidential politics. This book also examines the new voices, ideas, and movements for justice that emerged over this period and the effects of the persistent, haunting shadow of our nation’s old and unreconciled history. Coates powerfully examines the events of the Obama era from his intimate and revealing perspective:” the point of view of a young writer who begins the journey in an unemployment office in Harlem and ends it in the Oval Office, interviewing a president.

We Were Eight Years in Power features Coatesa’s iconic essays first published in The Atlantic, including Fear of a Black President, The Case for Reparations, and The Black Family in the Age of Mass Incarceration, along with eight fresh essays that revisit each year of the Obama administration through Coate’s own experiences, observations, and intellectual development, capped by a bracingly original assessment of the election that fully illuminated the tragedy of the Obama era. We Were Eight Years in Power is a vital account of modern America, from one of the definitive voices of this historic moment.

I recommend this book to all readers.

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A Matter of Death and Life

Read: December 2024

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A Matter of Death and Life

by Irvin D. Yalom and Marilyn Yalom

Today, I embarked on an emotional journey with “A Matter of Death and Life” by Irvin D. Yalom and Marilyn Yalom. This poignant narrative follows the renowned psychiatrist and his talented writer wife as they navigate a year filled with profound reflection following her terminal diagnosis. I received this thoughtful gift from my son Mike and his family, which makes it all the more special.

As the year winds down, I’m excited to say that this will be the final book I dive into in 2024 and will also mark the beginning of my reading adventures in 2025! Irwin and Marylin Yalom‘s exploration of love and living without regret is touching and inspiring, reminding me of the journey my wife and I took after her diagnosis of lymphoma in August 2019.

Irvin Yalom, an internationally acclaimed psychiatrist and author, dedicated his career to counseling those suffering from anxiety and grief. However, he had never faced the need to counsel himself until his wife, the esteemed feminist author Marilyn Yalom, was diagnosed with cancer. In A Matter of Death and Life,” the Yaloms share how they confronted profound new struggles: Marilyn aimed to die a good death, while Irv sought to continue living without her.

Through alternating accounts of their last months together and Irv’s first months alone, they provide a rare window into facing mortality and coping with the loss of a beloved partner. The Yaloms enjoyed a loving family, a home in Palo Alto under a magnificent valley oak, a large circle of friends, avid readers worldwide, and a long, fulfilling marriage. Yet, they faced death, as we all do. With the wisdom acquired over two lifetimes and the familiar warmth of teenage sweethearts who grew up together, they explore universal questions of intimacy, love, and grief.

Informed by their extensive life experiences, “A Matter of Death and Life” is an open-hearted offering to anyone seeking support, solace, and a meaningful life.



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Crow Lake

Read: January 2022

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Crow Lake

by Mary Lawson

Crow Lake by Mary Lawson is set in northern Ontario’s rural “badlands.” The badlands are where heartbreak and hardship are mirrored in the landscape of the farming Pye family. Crow Lake is that rare find, a first novel so quietly assured, so emotionally pitch-perfect, you know from the opening page that this is the real thing – a literary experience in which to lose yourself, by an author of immense talent.

Crow Lake was a page-turner for me once I read the prologue.

Two families dominate the story.

On the one hand, it is the Greek tragedy of the Pye family. On their farm, “the sins of the fathers are visited on the sons, and terrible events occur—offstage.”

Kate Morrison has left her two brothers and sister at the lake to become a zoologist. The four siblings lost their parents and struggled to remain together. Their “tragedy looks more immediate if less brutal, but is, in reality, insidious and divisive.”

As Goodreads describes the novel,

In this universal drama of family love and misunderstandings, of resentments harbored and driven underground, Lawson ratchets up the tension with heartbreaking humor and consummate control, continually overturning one’s expectations right to the very end. Tragic, funny, unforgettable, this deceptively simple masterpiece about the perils of hero worship leaped to the top of the bestseller lists only days after being released in Canada and earned glowing reviews in The New York Times and The Globe and Mail, to name a few.

I highly recommend this novel and am looking forward to reading more from Mary Lawson.

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Losing Earth: A Recent History

Read: October 2019

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Losing Earth: A Recent History

by Nathaniel Rich

Losing Earth: A Recent History by Nathaniel Rich reminds us how close we were to halting the climate emergency, and our failure has resulted in our passing the tilting point. The book “reveals, in previously unreported detail, the birth of climate denialism and the genesis of the fossil-fuel industry’s coordinated effort to thwart climate policy through misinformation propaganda and political influence.”

By 1979, we knew nearly everything we understand today about climate change – including how to stop it. Over the next decade, a handful of scientists, politicians, and strategists, led by two unlikely heroes, risked their careers in a desperate, escalating campaign to convince the world to act before it was too late. Losing Earth is their story and ours.

The New York Times Magazine devoted an entire issue to Nathaniel Rich’s groundbreaking chronicle of that decade, which became an instant journalistic phenomenon – the subject of news coverage, editorials, and conversations all over the world. In its emphasis on the lives of the people who grappled with the significant existential threat of our age, it made vivid the moral dimensions of our shared plight.

Losing Earth tells the human story of climate change in even richer, more intimate terms. It reveals, in previously unreported detail, the birth of climate denialism and the genesis of the fossil-fuel industry’s coordinated effort to thwart climate policy through misinformation propaganda and political influence. The audiobook carries the story into the present day, wrestling with the long shadow of our past failures and asking crucial questions about how we make sense of our past, our future, and ourselves.

Like John Hersey’s Hiroshima and Jonathan Schell’s The Fate of the Earth, Losing Earth is the rarest of achievements: a riveting work of dramatic history that articulates a moral framework for understanding how we got here and how we must go forward.

Losing Earth is a must-read book!

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How to Read a Book: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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How to Read a Book: A Novel

by Monica Wood

I started reading Monica Wood‘s “How to Read a Book: A Novel” today. It’s a heartfelt and uplifting story about a chance encounter at a bookstore—the novel delves into themes of redemption, unlikely friendships, and the life-changing power of sharing stories. With Monica Wood’s characteristic heart, wit, grace, and understanding, the novel illuminates the decisions that shape a life and the kindnesses that make life meaningful.

The story revolves around three characters: Violet Powell, a twenty-two-year-old from rural Abbott Falls, Maine, who is being released from prison after serving twenty-two months for a drunk-driving crash that killed a local kindergarten teacher; Harriet Larson, a retired English teacher who runs the prison book club and is facing the prospect of an empty nest; and Frank Daigle, a retired machinist who is struggling to come to terms with the complexities of his marriage to the woman Violet killed.

Their lives unexpectedly intersect one morning in a bookstore in Portland, Maine. Violet buys the novel she read in the prison book club before her release, Harriet selects the following title for the remaining women, and Frank fulfills his duties as the store handyman. Their encounters set off a chain of events that will profoundly change them.

How to Read a Book is a candid and hopeful story about releasing guilt, embracing second chances, and the profound impact of books on our lives.

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