My Apolytus Moment

Estimated reading time: 21 minutes, 12 seconds

I Am OK

Every morning, without fail, I wake up at 5:30 a.m. with a sense of determination and purpose that propels me out of bed. As I step out of my apartment, the cool air and darkness of dawn embrace me, and I feel invigorated and ready to tackle the day ahead. Rain or shine, I continue to walk, unfazed by the weather, because it has become an integral part of my life.

Today is a special day but bittersweet. It would have been my wife Jan’s seventy-fourth birthday, which marks fifty years since we first celebrated her birthday. I had hoped to celebrate fifty more with her, but life had other plans. Today, I carry her in my heart as I walk, reflecting on our life and shared memories.

As I walk, I ponder why I keep going even when the weather is harsh. Although I don’t have a definite answer, it’s essential to appreciate the blessings that life has to offer. God has given us ears to hear, arms to embrace, and feet to move forward into the future. Our senses, limbs, and ability to progress into the future are some of our most valuable gifts. I choose to move ahead with courage and strength, cherishing every moment life presents.

For the past 1,085 days, I have been walking without fail since I laid my beloved wife to rest. Each step feels like an effort, but abandoning the routine never crosses my mind. I cling to the daily ritual because it gives me a sense of purpose and a reason to keep going. As I approach the end of my walk, I enter Hanson Park, where I feel my wife’s spirit more than anywhere else. The park is a serene spot with lush greenery and the gentle flow of the Rahway River. I come across Jan’s memorial bench, a peaceful place to sit and let my mind drift. I feel her presence around me, and it brings me comfort.

Despite the drizzle, I am not wet, thanks to a virtual umbrella that has thoughtfully shielded me from the rain. I sit by the riverbank, watching the water flow slowly, reflecting the trees and the sky above like a perfect mirror. The surrounding area is quiet, and the only sound I can hear is the gentle rustling of leaves in the wind. I feel a sense of calm and tranquility in the peaceful surroundings as if the world has come to a standstill for a moment. Suddenly, a gust of wind carries unexpected words that float into my ears, “You have done well! Stay focused. Live fully. Love again! It is a truly transformative moment, and I feel a sense of validation and encouragement.

Since Jan’s passing, I have learned to live without her and to find strength in myself. I have embraced personal growth and strived to be the best version of myself. Honoring her memory has become my mission, and I have created a memorial garden, two benches, and an education fund in her name. Each action I take to improve the park strengthens her memory and keeps her spirit alive.

After Annie: A Novel

Just as each ripple in the river alters everything in its path, every action I take to improve the park strengthens Jan’s memorial garden. Similarly, my work with Bridges has allowed me to start a new chapter and continue to make a difference in the world. Although I miss my wife and the love we shared, I understand that it’s essential to move forward and not grieve forever.

Having recently read Anna Quindlen’s “After Annie,” I understood the nature of grief and its role in healing. While grief is a natural and necessary part of the healing journey, we mustn’t allow it to consume us indefinitely. If we succumb to the overwhelming weight of grief, we risk becoming trapped in a closed garden without any means of escape. Despite the deep and abiding pain of missing my beloved wife daily, I have come to understand that it is essential that I continue living and finding joy in the present moment.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.


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Bright Young Women: A Novel

Read: October 2023

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Bright Young Women: A Novel

by Jessica Knoll

Today, I commenced reading Bright Young Women: A Novel by Jessica Knoll. Violent acts of the same man bring together two women from opposite sides of the country and become allies and sisters in arms as they pursue the justice that would otherwise elude them in one of the year’s most acclaimed, highly anticipated thrillers.

Masterfully blending psychological suspense and actual crime elements, Jessica Knoll—author of the bestselling novel Luckiest Girl Alive and the writer behind the Netflix adaption starring Mila Kunis—delivers a new and exhilarating thriller in Bright Young Women. The book opens on a Saturday night in 1978, hours before a soon-to-be-infamous murderer descends upon a Florida sorority house with deadly results.

The lives of those who survive, including sorority president and critical witness Pamela Schumacher, are forever changed. Across the country, Tina Cannon is convinced the man papers targeted her missing friend referred to as the All-American Sex Killer—and that he’s struck again. Determined to find justice, the two join forces as their search for answers leads to a final, shocking confrontation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Day Tripper: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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The Day Tripper: A Novel

by James Goodhand

Today, I began reading “The Day Tripper: A Novel” by James Goodhand. The story centers around Alex Dean, who can travel through time but, unfortunately, always ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. This book is a perfect read for a rainy April day. The story moves quickly in just the first few pages, with time flying by faster than it does for Alex.

It’s 1995, and Alex Dean has it all: a spot at Cambridge University next year, the love of a fantastic woman named Holly, and all the time ahead of him. That is, until a brutal encounter with a ghost from his past sees him beaten, battered, and almost drowning in the Thames.

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After finally drifting off to sleep, Alex wakes the following morning to find it’s now 2019, another nine years later. But the next day, it’s 1999. Never knowing which day is coming, he begins to piece together what happens in his life after that fateful night by the river.

But what exactly is going on? Why does his life look nothing like he thought it would? What about Cambridge and Holly? In this page-turning adventure, Alex must navigate the years to learn that small actions have an untold impact. And that might be all he needs to save the people he loves and, equally importantly, himself.

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The Morningside: A Novel

Read: March 2024

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The Morningside: A Novel

by Téa Obreht

Today, I started reading The Morningside: A Novel by Téa Obreht. The book tells the story of Silvia and her mother, who have been expelled from their home and have settled in a luxury tower called Island City, where Silvia’s aunt Ena is the superintendent. The Morningside is a place of magical possibilities, where Ena shares folktales with Silvia about her demolished homeland, a place of natural beauty and communal spirit. This starkly contrasts Silvia’s current reality, where she feels unmoored and disconnected from her past.

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Berlin- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton

by Bea Setton

I’ve begun reading Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton. After finishing Kairos, a book set in a divided Berlin, Setton’s debut novel is witty and insightful, with a young woman battling a sense of emptiness who moves to Berlin for a fresh start. However, things go differently than planned.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Come and Get It

Read: February 2024

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Come and Get It

by Kiley Reid

I recently started reading “Come and Get It” by Kiley Reid, a celebrated New York Times bestselling author known for her book Such a Fun Age. The novel is about a senior resident assistant named Millie Cousins, who, in 2017, attended the University of Arkansas. Millie aspires to graduate, get a job, and buy a house.

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Beautiful World, Where Are You

Read: July 2022

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Beautiful World, Where Are You

by Sally Rooney

Beautiful World, Where Are You by Sally Rooney, a writer recommended to me, but I have always kept them on the to-read list, not the current reading. Does a beautiful word exist? Is it possible to live in a beautiful world despite the loss of the love of my life? Perhaps reading  Beautiful World, Where Are You, will help me in my grief journey.

Ms. Rooney’s book was a page-turner, and I highly recommend it.

One of the quotes from the book echoed my dream of a beautiful world.

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It also helped remind me how unique and memorable the love that Jan and I shared was. We could quickly fall into a life lived separately as friends, or we might not have ever fallen in love and married.

As Sally Rooney in Beautiful World, Where Are You, wrote:

“If God wanted me to give you up, he wouldn’t have made me who I am.”

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Alice, a novelist, meets Felix, who works in a warehouse, and asks him if he’d like to travel to Rome with her. In Dublin, her best friend, Eileen, is getting over a breakup and slips back into flirting with Simon, a man she has known since childhood. Alice, Felix, Eileen, and Simon are still young—but life is catching up with them. They desire each other, they delude each other, they get together, and they break apart. They have sex, they worry about sex, and they worry about their friendships and the world they live in. Are they standing in the last lighted room before the darkness, bearing witness to something? Will they find a way to believe in a beautiful world?


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