Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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LOWNDES COUNTY AND THE ROAD TO BLACK POWER

Debating Ideas With Jan!

Jan in Washington January 2017

One of the countless ways I miss Jan is in the friendly debate of ideas. We never disagreed on anything of significance. However, debating ideas allowed us to understand better the issues that impacted our family, community, and efforts to repair the world.

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Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Civil War by Other Means: America's Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Civil War by Other Means: America's Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln's assassination to Garfield's, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

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Rutgers–Newark Chorus Winter Concert: O Be Joyful

Pre-Winter Doldrums

HappinessNow that it gets dark early and icy sidewalks greet my morning walks, the reality of the approaching holiday season reminds me, and other widows, of the loneliness of the family-centric winter holidays.

Unintentionally, the holidays place pressure on everyone to be happy.

I do my best, but living alone exacerbates the widow’s dilemma.

I encourage my fellow walkers/runners to have a good day on my walks.

I did this even the earliest days after Jan died when it was almost guaranteed that I would not be having a good day.

Despite the complexities of the short days and long nights, I do what I can to remain active and happy.

Yesterday, I attended the Rutgers–Newark Chorus Winter Concert: O Be Joyful and enjoyed the live music and companionship.

As Katherine May wrote in Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times,

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall upon us, revealing our bare bones. Given time they grow again.

My bare-bones shiver in the north wind, but I am reminded that my happiness is not based on what I have.

If anything, I have less without Jan.

But I do have Jan’s eternal love and the knowledge that she is still with me and always will be whatever the seasons spawn to me.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May is “an intimate, revelatory book exploring the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when life knocks us down.”

A quote that resonated with me:

That’s what grief is - a yearning for that last moment of contact that would settle everything.

May writes in a clear voice that conveys the importance of accepting the cycles of life instead of fighting them.

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Smiling Wes if Five Months Old!

Smiling Wes is Five Months Old!

Smiling Wes is Five Months Old!

Wes is Five Months Old!

Wes, how old are you now?

Wes is five months old today!

As I have shared previously, Wes has Jan’s smile.

Whenever I see Wes, his smile, like Jan’s, wins my heart.

Until his birth, I counted the third of every month as a recurring nightmare of the day Jan died.

Now, I wake up and remember it as when Wes was born.

If I do the math, five plus fourteen, the sum is the total months since Jan’s death.

Although I will never forget the day Jan died, being able to mitigate most of the pain is superior to wailing over my loss.

Perhaps when we stop identifying Wes’s age by month, my memories will only be of Wes’s birthday on the third of each month.

If that were to occur, my memories of Jan could focus, among other days, on her birthday, the day we met, our wedding, and the birth of our sons and grandsons.

One day Wes will walk with me in Jan’s garden, and as we scrutinize the wind sculpture, I can remind him how much Jan loves him even though she never met him.

Jan’s love will never die, and Wes, among others, will be blessed with her love.

May Wes be blessed with happiness today and every day!

 


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Smiling Wes Won My Heart!

Today, my happy, smiling grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is four months old!

When I met him, his smile was identical to grandma Jan's.

Both of their smiles mesmerized me.

We inherit many traits from our family, but the most precious one is our personality. Jan's gift to Wes is priceless.

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Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ

Time Moves Too Fast for Mortals

Richard Welcomes His Fellow Widows

Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa

I received a Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ five years ago.

When I was presented with the award, my first comment was it should be renamed the Half-Life Achievement Award.

If we are committed to Tikun Olam, the need to repair the world does not end simply because someone has aged.

The truth is that just as each of us is broken, the world is as well, and the work to ensure it works for all of us will never end.

After I renamed the award, I did what I always did when Jan was in the room. I introduced her and said that if I deserved the recognition, it was only because of the love and support she provided.

A few weeks ago, I found this comment that Jan posted on Facebook,

So proud of my husband, Richard W. Brown! Happy to be married to this wonderful man! Today he received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ for his advocacy around housing, ending homelessness, and leadership of Monarch Housing.

Tears welled in my eyes as I read her statement.

So much has changed over the last 1,827 days. When Jan and I left the event, the future seemed endless.

Cancer changed the trajectory of our lives, but my love for Jan will never die; it only grows stronger daily!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Monarch Housing Farewell Dinner

On March 21, 2019, Monarch Housing Associates celebrated the leadership transition from Richard W. Brown to Taiisa Kelly and Asish Patel.
A Future Walking With Jan's Spirit

A Future Walking With Jan’s Spirit

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan’s Wind Sculpture

My sound test on Zoom is a simple chant.

I test the microphone by saying, “I love Jan! I miss Jan!”

The message proves the microphone works and adjusts my frame of mind, so I am ready, willing, and able to host the Zoom call.

Yet, the change in the atmosphere does not fill the gap left in my heart since Jan died.

The OMordy Quotes help me put into perspective my circumstances,

What’s destroyed can still be rebuilt, what’s lost can still be found, what’s broken can still be mended, an end is not always the end, it can also be a basis for a new and better beginning.

My life with Jan has been erased, and I cannot simply mend my brokenness.

My work with the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden and Wind Sculpture at Hanson Park and the Jan Lilien Education Fund will keep Jan’s name and memory alive and define my life’s boundaries with only Jan’s spirit.

I do not know how many nights I have to view Jan’s Wind Sculpture glowing below the radiance of the moon I have left, but I know that Jan will always be with me in spirit and guide me into the future.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Investing Jan’s Love in My Future

As much as I miss Jan, continuing to live is the only choice I have ever had.

Like George Burns, I could not cry forever.

One day at a time, I stepped into an unknown future with Jan's love and spirit next to me.

Within days of burying the love of my life, I tied my walking shoes and embarked on a journey to define the boundaries of my new life.

The First Step is to Start

The First Step is to Start

Ellen, Jon and Mike Build a Garden

Photo courtesy of Neeru and Asish Patel.

Long before I began my grief journey, I learned the importance of starting to take action. It is too effortless to do nothing and accept the status quo. As a child, I knew I had to start where I was. It did not matter if it was homework or chores. As a widow, I felt pain, fear, and doubt that could have overwhelmed me. Two days after burying Jan, I got up, laced my shoes, and started walking. I could have stayed in bed, but I kept marching. Continue reading →

Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!

Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!

Jan Lilien Human Rights AdvocateMy inbox and text messages are overflowing with appeals for #GivingTuesday donations.

I respond to as many as possible with as much as I can afford.

If only I had the resources to respond generously to help those who help others.

Jan and I automated most of our donations so that we provide support monthly.

I would be forever grateful if you could donate to The Jan Lilien Education Fund.

Every donation helps to repair the world.

It is also like sharing Jan’s love; each gift shares her love and returns to us stronger!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Charity for All

One of the end-of-year tasks that Jan and I would do together would be to make our final charitable contributions.

Although most donations are made monthly, there is always a list at the end of the year.

Two years ago, Jan was in the emergency room, and I had to do them with her consultation.

It was a frantic effort as the clock ticked rapidly toward midnight, but we completed the task.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Read: November 2022

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Civil War by Other Means

by Jeremi Suri

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln’s assassination to Garfield’s, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

I purchased a signed copy and watched a video presentation by Dr. Suri due to my membership at One Day University. Civil War by Other Means is a vivid and unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. 

I highly recommend Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

In addition, the documentary, on Apple TV+, Lowndes County and the Road to Black Power is a companion piece that illustrates the continued failure to create a multi-racial democracy. Jeremi Suri makes a convincing case that the eternal struggle for democracy continues in our time.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1865, the Confederacy was comprehensively defeated, its economy shattered, its leaders in exile or in jail. Yet in the years that followed, Lincoln’s vision of a genuinely united country never took root. Apart from a few brief months, when the presence of the Union army in the South proved liberating for newly freed Black Americans, the military victory was squandered. Old white supremacist efforts returned, more ferocious than before.

In Civil War by Other Means, Jeremi Suri shows how resistance to a more equal Union began immediately. From the first postwar riots to the return of Confederate exiles, to the impeachment of Andrew Johnson, to the highly contested and consequential election of 1876, Suri explores the conflicts and questions Americans wrestled with as competing visions of democracy, race, and freedom came to a vicious breaking point.

What emerges is a vivid and, at times, unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. What should have been a moment of national renewal was ultimately wasted, with reverberations still felt today. The recent shocks to American democracy are rooted in this forgotten, urgent history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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LOWNDES COUNTY AND THE ROAD TO BLACK POWER
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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Read: October 2021

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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

by Katherine May

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May is “an intimate, revelatory book exploring the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when life knocks us down.”

Two quotes that resonated with me were:

That’s what grief is – a yearning for that one last moment of contact that would settle everything.

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall upon us, revealing our bare bones. Given time they grow again.

May writes in a clear voice that conveys the importance of accepting the cycles of life instead of fighting them.

Sometimes you slip through the cracks: unforeseen circumstances like an abrupt illness, the death of a loved one, a breakup, or a job loss can derail a life. These periods of dislocation can be lonely and unexpected. For May, her husband fell ill, her son stopped attending school, and her own medical issues led her to leave a demanding job. Wintering explores how she not only endured this painful time but embraced the singular opportunities it offered.

A moving personal narrative shot through with lessons from literature, mythology, and the natural world, May’s story offers instruction on the transformative power of rest and retreat. Illumination emerges from many sources: solstice celebrations and dormice hibernation, C.S. Lewis and Sylvia Plath swimming in icy waters, and sailing arctic seas.

Ultimately Wintering invites us to change how we relate to our own fallow times. May models an active acceptance of sadness and finds nourishment in deep retreat, joy in the serene beauty of winter, and encouragement in understanding life as cyclical, not linear. A secular mystic, May forms a guiding philosophy for transforming the hardships that arise before the ushering in of a new season.

I recommend this book without reservation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Rutgers–Newark Chorus Winter Concert: O Be Joyful
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Smiling Wes if Five Months Old!
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Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ
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A Future Walking With Jan's Spirit
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The First Step is to Start
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Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!
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An American Marriage

Read: September 2024

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An American Marriage

by Tayari Jones

Today, I started reading “An American Marriage” by Tayari Jones. It is a masterpiece of storytelling that delves into people’s souls as they confront the past and move forward into the future with hope and pain. The book, which has won numerous awards and was selected as one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, is a must-read for any contemporary fiction enthusiast.

Newlyweds Celestial and Roy embody both the American Dream and the New South. He is a young executive, and she is an artist on the brink of an exciting career. But as they settle into their routines, they are ripped apart by circumstances neither could have imagined. Their story reflects the complexities of modern relationships and the criminal justice system’s impact on individuals and families.

Roy’s arrest and subsequent twelve-year sentence for a crime he didn’t commit shatters their world. Celestial, though fiercely independent, finds herself adrift, seeking solace in Andre, her childhood friend and the best man at their wedding. As Roy’s time in prison stretches on, she struggles to hold on to the love that has always been her anchor. When Roy’s conviction is finally overturned after five years, he returns to Atlanta, ready to pick up the pieces of their shattered life, a testament to their resilience and enduring love.

This stirring love story is a profoundly insightful look into the hearts and minds of three people who are at once bound and separated by forces beyond their control. “An American Marriage” is a masterpiece of storytelling—an intimate look deep into people’s souls who must reckon with the past while moving forward—with hope and pain—into the future.

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The Rabbit Hutch

Read: October 2022

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The Rabbit Hutch

by Tess Gunty

My sixtieth book this year, The Rabbit Hutch, was a page-turner that I highly recommend. The Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty is a debut novel that won the 2022 National Book Award for fiction. It is a novel about four teenagers—recently aged out of the state foster-care system—living together in an apartment building in the post-industrial Midwest, exploring the quest for transcendence and the desire for love.

As Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.”

Ms. Gunty’s book focuses on that ultimate and higher goal. If you can read only one book this year, I recommend The Rabbit Hutch!

“This week is the ceremony for the National Book Award, and one of the finalists is Tess Gunty, whose debut novel, The Rabbit Hutch, is a finalist in the fiction category,” said Kerry Nolan as she spoke with Ms. Gunty.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The automobile industry has abandoned Vacca Vale, Indiana, leaving the residents behind, too. In a run-down apartment building on the edge of town, commonly known as the Rabbit Hutch, several people now reside quietly, looking for ways to live in a dying city. Apartment C2 is lonely and detached. C6 is aging and stuck. C8 harbors a great fear. But C4 is of particular interest.

Here live four teenagers who have recently aged out of the state foster-care system: three boys and one girl, Blandine, who The Rabbit Hutch centers around. Hauntingly beautiful and unnervingly bright, Blandine is plagued by the structures, people, and places that not only failed her but actively harmed her. Now all Blandine wants is an escape, a true bodily escape like the mystics describe in the books she reads.

Set across one week and culminating in a shocking act of violence, The Rabbit Hutch chronicles a town on the brink, desperate for rebirth. How far will its residents—especially Blandine—go to achieve it? Does one person’s gain always come at another’s expense? Tess Gunty’s The Rabbit Hutch is a gorgeous and provocative tale of loneliness and community, entrapment and freedom. It announces a major new voice in American fiction, one bristling with intelligence and vulnerability.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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Send for Me

Read: January 2022

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Send for Me

by Lauren Fox

Send for Me by Lauren Fox. Send for Me is an achingly beautiful work of historical fiction that moves between Germany on the eve of World War II and present-day Wisconsin, unspooling a thread of love, longing, and the constant push and pull of family. Annelise is a dreamer: imagining her future while working at her parents’ famous bakery in Feldenheim, Germany, anticipating all the delicious possibilities yet to come. There are rumors that anti-Jewish sentiment is on the rise, but Annelise and her parents can’t quite believe that it will affect them; they’re hardly religious at all. But as Annelise falls in love, marries, and gives birth to her daughter, the dangers grow closer: a brick was thrown through her window; a childhood friend who cuts ties with her; customers refuse to patronize the bakery.

This novel explores mothers and daughters, duty and obligation, hope and forgiveness of four generations of mothers and daughters – Klara, Annelise, Ruth, and Clare.

Klara is the matriarch who remains in Germany, where she dies at the beginning of the war. Annelise is her daughter who becomes a refugee in Milwaukee. The poignant letters from her mother ask for help to leave Germany and reunite with her daughter and granddaughter Ruthie, tying together the four generations.

The letters are found by Clara, who pays to have them translated. Can we ever escape from the past, and how does it shape our futures.

I enjoyed reading this book as I prefer historical fiction, especially about the rise of Germany and antisemitism.

Send for Me is also a reminder that we are refugees.

Our lives are forever intertwined between two cultures, the past and the future.

I highly recommend Send for Me.

 

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Yellowface

Read: June 2023

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Yellowface: A Novel

by R.F. Kuang

I began reading Yellowface, a novel by R.F. Kuang, today. The storyline has been captivating as I scroll through the pages on my Kindle App. The book explores important themes such as cultural diversity, racism, the negative impact of cultural appropriation, and the alienation caused by social media. I find the protagonist, June Hayward, relatable and enjoyable to read about while experiencing Yellowface on my Kindle App.

June and Athena were both talented writers, but Athena’s success overshadowed June’s. After Athena’s sudden death, June rashly steals her completed manuscript, a groundbreaking novel about the Chinese laborers who contributed to World War I. June edits the book and takes credit for it, even going so far as to change her name and ethnicity for marketing purposes. She believes the story deserves to be told, regardless of who tells it.

As June’s book becomes a bestseller, she is haunted by the guilt of stealing Athena’s work. Her secret becomes harder to keep as evidence of her theft surfaces. June must confront her actions and decide how far she will go to protect her newfound success.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Daughter: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Daughter: A Novel

by Claudia Dey

I started reading “Daughter: A Novel” by Claudia Dey today. According to Mona Dean, to be loved by your father is to be loved by God. Mona is a playwright, actress, and daughter of a man who is famous for a great novel. However, her father’s needs and insecurities significantly impact the women in his family, including Mona, her sister, her half-sister, and their mothers.

Mona’s father’s infidelity shattered her childhood, causing her to be in opposition to her stepmother, who also suffered from his actions. Mona’s father begins a new affair, and he confides in her. She enjoys his attention painfully and parasitically. When he confesses to his wife, Mona is blamed for the disruption, punished for her father’s actions, and kicked out of the family.

Mona’s life is chaotic, and she struggles to regain stability. Only when she experiences a profound and defining loss does she begin to replace absent love with real love? Pushed to the brink, she must decide how she wants to live, what Mona needs to say, and the risks she’s willing to take to say it.

Claudia Dey provides penetrating insight and devilish humor to chronicle our most intimate lives in “Daughter.” It’s an obsessive and blazing examination of the forces that drive us to become, create, and break free.

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Prophet Song: A Novel

Read: January 2024

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Prophet Song: A Novel

by Paul Lynch

In 2024, I started my reading journey with the Booker Prize 2023 winner – Prophet Song, by Paul Lynch. The book presents a chilling and astonishing outlook of a nation sliding into authoritarianism while also painting a profoundly humane portrait of a mother’s struggle to keep her family together. I have not set a goal of the number of books to read in 2024, but this is an excellent first-day pageturner.

It all begins on a dark, rainy evening in Dublin when Eilish Stack, a scientist and mother of four, opens her front door to two officers from Ireland’s newly formed secret police. They are there to interrogate her husband, a trade unionist. Ireland is falling apart as the government is gradually turning towards tyranny. As her world crumbles and the people she loves disappear, Eilish faces the dystopian reality of her country. How far is Eilish willing to go to protect her family? And what, or who, is she ready to leave behind?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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