Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Picking Myself Up and Leaving the Darkness Behind

Picking Myself Up and Leaving the Darkness Behind

Jan and Richard Walking

Jan and Richard Walking

As the clocks tick away the remaining hours of this year, we tend to review the past year.

My review often focuses on how my resilience has allowed me to pick myself up when the tsunami of grief pushes me back into the rabbit hole of mourning.

Reviewing the year, I can see the harshest phases of my grief journey in the rearview mirror.

It does not mean I will not have moments when tears roll down my cheeks like lava from Mauna Loa.

But with each passing day, I become more robust, and the darkness of my grief fades away gradually but assuredly.

My strengthening faith and family and friends have assisted me in this recovery.

But Jan is due the full measure of credit.

Her love transformed me and sustained me in times of doubt and uncertainty.

Her simple words of wisdom can motivate me to live fully.

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.

Jan’s love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

Am I a Better Person?

Am I a Better Person?

Jan in Washington January 2017

As the year rapidly fades into history, I review where I have been and focus on how to hold onto my strengths.

I never expected that grief would be one of my best teachers.

As I have previously written, when I pray every week at Temple Sha’arey Shalom, we remember those we lost in this passage; one of our readings is:

Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern.

I am a better person and do not want to backpedal in the new year or ever.

My past experiences are lessons that guide me.

I have become calmer and more empathetic.

I invest my time, resources, and energy in helping others.

When Jan was alive, we worked together to repair the world. I continue those efforts daily.

With Jan’s spirit with me, I will walk with her into the future as a better person.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Grief is a Great Teacher

As I pray every week at Temple Sha'arey Shalom, when we remember those we lost in this passage, one of our readings is: "Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern."

Midwives Rule!

Midwives Rule!

Grateful for Jan's Love

The first time I used the phrase “Call the Midwife” was when Jan and I decided to engage a midwife for the birth of our second son.

On Saturday evening in 1985, before he was born, I suggested to Jan that we call, but she kept saying she wanted me to contact the midwife when it was time. At 3 AM, Jan relented. Our son was born at 4 AM.

When we started watching the midwives, I felt like I was returning to my early days as a VISTA in East Williamsburg. I walked into the Rectory at St. John’s, and my life was transformed.

The midwives walked into Nonnatus House, and their lives and the community were changed forever.

Jan and I quickly made streaming the series the highest priority.

Last night, I watched the 2022 Holiday Special alone but with Jan in my heart.

As much as Call the Midwife is about childbirth, it is truly about love, family, faith, and community.

Those attributes were the core of the love that Jan and I shared.

These core values have assisted me during my grief journey for almost twenty months since Jan died.

Jan’s love will never die, and she will always sit next to me when we watch Call the Midwife.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Call the Midwife Holiday Special 2021

On Boxers Day, I watched the Call the Midwife Holiday Special 2021, without Jan. I had watched the previous season without her.

Christmas 1966 promises to be a memorable one. The Nonnatus House team is faced with their busiest Christmas Day ever as the Maternity Home is filled with pregnant moms and challenging cases. Luckily Mother Mildred is on hand to support the team.

Trust

Trust by Hernan Diaz

Trust by Hernan Diaz is an elegant, multifaceted epic that recovers the voices buried under the myths that justify our foundational inequality; Trust is a literary triumph with a beating heart and urgent stakes. The novel is divided into four sections, each engaging and reminding us of the tremendous costs a fortune imposes on those who accumulate wealth. I highly recommend this novel as it is one of the best books I have ever read!

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Jan's Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends

Jan’s Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends

On Boxing Day, five friends visited me.

We had lunch and went to Hanson Park to view Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden, including the Wind Sculpture.

Jan's Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends

On a grief journey, friends are critical.

Since Jan’s Wind Sculpture was installed, I have had many people visit the park.

Most of them met me, and others went on their own.

In both cases, the comments were buoyant.

Today was the first time friends from one of my two support groups visited.

I enjoy having friends visit me, but having five people on a comparable journey was special.

I did not have to worry if I wept or could not speak.

Jan is still with me, but when I visit the park, her presence is more potent than anywhere else.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Introducing my Friends to Jan

Last Saturday, five new friends who have also lost the love of their lives met me in Hanson Park.

I showed them the park and our plans and dreams for Jan's living memorial.

What moved my soul was that I could express my excitement and not worry that they would not understand.

Ho, Ho, Ho Miracles Are Real

Ho, Ho, Ho Miracles Are Real

Jan and Richard

Jan and I volunteered with the Montrose Volunteer Ambulance Squad in East Williamsburg when we first married.

Christmas Eve, especially in 1976, was the most challenging day to staff a crew.

I had grown up celebrating the holiday, but Jan had not. We volunteered for the overnight shift.

We started at 7 pm on Friday. Fortunately, we only had a few calls.

Sleeping in our clothes in the bunk beds in the basement was not ideal for a restful night.

As we left in the morning, snow flurries fluttered across Graham Avenue.

Across the street, we heard some chanting, “Ho, ho, ho, and a Merry Christmas!

Simultaneously, we saw a glimpse of a man with a red hat carrying a cloth bag filled with toys over his shoulders.

As our exhausted bodies floated across the empty streets to our apartment, it felt like miracles were possible.

Many may have waited for Santa Claus this morning or celebrated the birth of their savior.

Jan and I celebrated that day, and every day, we celebrated the miracle of life and the need to repair the world.

That night in the ambulance squad, we had been a light for those in need, not unlike the early morning Santa Claus.

Jan has been gone for almost twenty months. I miss her more than ever, but the memory from 1976 reminds me that I must light the candle not only on Chanukah but every day to be a light for others.

That is the miracle that gives life meaning and purpose.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



What About the Kids?

“How will you raise your children,” the Rabbi asked. Jan said we would decide when we had kids.
These Feet Were Made for Walking

These Feet Were Made for Walking

These Feet Were Made for WalkingOn Friday, the temperature for my morning walk was 55 degrees Fahrenheit.

Today was the polar opposite.

The reading on my Weather app was 5 Fahrenheit (-15 Celsius). With the wind, it felt like -13 Fahrenheit (-25 Celsius).

Yesterday, I walked 7.26 miles. Today I could only go 4.34 miles as nature, exacerbated by the cold, made an urgent call.

When Jan was alive, she would remind me that even the spy knew to come in from the cold.

Once the ice on my face melted, I retorted that Alec, the protagonist in John le Carré’s novel, was not fleeing arctic weather.

To paraphrase the Nancy Sintra hit, my feet were made for walking in the rain, cold, sleet, snow, or other stormy weather. I still cannot believe I have lost thirty-five pounds!

My walks remind me how much I love Jan, and each step soothes my soul and rekindles memories of how much she loved me.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Picking Myself Up and Leaving the Darkness Behind
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Am I a Better Person?
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Midwives Rule!
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Trust

Read: December 2022

Get this book

Trust by Hernan Diaz

by Hernan Diaz

Trust by Hernan Diaz is an elegant, multifaceted epic that recovers the voices buried under the myths that justify our foundational inequality; Trust is a literary triumph with a beating heart and urgent stakes. The novel is divided into four sections, each engaging and reminding us of the tremendous costs a fortune imposes on those who accumulate wealth. I highly recommend this novel as it is one of the best books I have ever read!

The first section is from Bonds, a successful novel about Benjamin and Helen Rask. Before finishing this section, I was so engrossed that I wanted their story to continue. The second is a memoir of Andrew Bevel, a successful fourth-generation financier, with notations on edits and corrections.

The third section is about Ida Partenza, an Italian-American novelist hired to flesh out Bevel’s memoir. The dynamics between her and Bevel, as well as her father and boyfriend, clarify the storyline and give it depth. Ms. Partenza seeks to find the truth, revealed in the fourth section, comprised of excerpts from Mildred’s diary. Suffice it to say; the admitted fact underscores the burdens of wealth and the antiquated views that limited women’s roles.

Trust is one of the NY Times’ top five fiction books of 2022. I have read four of them, Demon Copperhead, The Candy House, The Furrows, and Checkout 19. Trust was the fifth and the seventy-second book I have read this year. 

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Even though the roar and effervescence of the 1920s, everyone in New York has heard of Benjamin and Helen Rask. He is a legendary Wall Street tycoon; she is the brilliant daughter of eccentric aristocrats. Together, they have risen to the very top of seemingly endless wealth. But the secrets around their affluence and grandeur incite gossip. At what cost have they acquired their immense fortune? Rumors about Benjamin’s financial maneuvers and Helen’s reclusiveness start to spread–all as a decade of excess and speculation draws to an end.

This is the mystery at the center of a successful 1938 novel, Bonds, which all of New York seems to have read. But it isn’t the only version.

Hernan Diaz’s Trust brilliantly puts the story of these characters into conversation with other accounts–and in tension with the life and perspective of a young woman bent on disentangling fact from fiction. Provocative and propulsive, Trust engages the reader in a quest for the truth while confronting the reality-warping gravitational pull of money and how power often manipulates facts. The result is a novel that becomes more exhilarating and profound with each new layer and revelation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Jan's Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends
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Ho, Ho, Ho Miracles Are Real
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These Feet Were Made for Walking
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Stony The Road

Read: October 2019

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Stony the Road

by Henry Louis Gates Jr

Stony the Road: Reconstruction, White Supremacy, and the Rise of Jim Crow by Henry Louis Gates Jr. is a must-read book, especially with white nationalism on the rise.

I read this book when Jan began her chemotherapy. Although the book’s subject – the retreat from reconstruction – was one I studied in college, at times, I found it hard to focus on the material and my wife’s health at the same time. I stayed on the stony road as it is a subject we need to understand if we are going to correct the past failures.

As The New York Times wrote,

Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s “Stony the Road: Reconstruction, White Supremacy, and the Rise of Jim Crow,” an indispensable guide to the making of our times, addresses 2017’s mystifications. The book sets the Obama era beside Reconstruction and the Trump era beside the white supremacist terrorism of Redemption, the period beginning in 1877 during which Reconstruction’s nascent, biracial democracy was largely dismantled. Gates juxtaposes the optimism of Reconstruction, the despair of Redemption, and the promise of the New Negro movement — the effort by black Americans, starting around the turn of the 20th century, to craft a counternarrative to white supremacy. In doing so, “Stony the Road” presents a bracing alternative to Trump-era white nationalism.

Growing up in the Jim Crow south, I was well aware of white nationalism. This book is an essential read if we are going to make America a multi-racial democracy.

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Jack: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Jack: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read,  Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della’s relationship.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. Although Jan and I fell in love without all of the complexities of this couple, there were enough similarities that reminded me of how special our love was and remains. For example, our long conversations, many of which were while we walked, are reminiscent of the novel.

I highly recommend this novel. One of the reviews suggested that the next volume should be about Della. I will read that book before the ink drys.

Goodreads provides an overview.

In this book, Robinson tells the story of John Ames Boughton, the prodigal son of Gilead’s Presbyterian minister, and his romance with Della Miles, a high school teacher who is also the child of a preacher. They’re deeply felt, tormented, star-crossed interracial romance resonates with all the paradoxes of American life, then and now.

Marilynne Robinson’s mythical world of Gilead, Iowa—the setting of her novels Gilead, Home, and Lila, and now Jack—and its beloved characters have illuminated and interrogated the complexities of American history, the power of our emotions, and the wonders of a sacred world.

Robinson’s Gilead novels, which have won one Pulitzer Prize and two National Book Critics Circle Awards, are vital to contemporary American literature and a revelation of our national character and humanity.

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Funny Story

Read: November 2024

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Funny Story: A Novel

by Emily Henry

Today, I began reading Emily Henry‘s Funny Story, a delightful new novel about a pair of opposites connected by an unexpected bond. It was featured in The New York Times 100 Notable Books of 2024. The narrator, Daphne, finds herself single after being dumped following her fiancé’s bachelor party, and she ends up moving in with her ex-fiancé’s former boyfriend.

Daphne always enjoyed how her fiancé, Peter, told their love story: they met on a blustery day, fell in love over an errant hat, and moved back to his lakeside hometown to start their life together. He was great at telling their story—until he realized he was in love with his childhood best friend, Petra.

This is where Daphne begins her new chapter: stranded in beautiful Waning Bay, Michigan, without friends or family, but with a dream job as a children’s librarian (which barely pays the bills). She proposes to room with the only person who might understand her situation: Miles Nowak, Petra’s ex.

Miles is scruffy and chaotic, finding comfort in the sounds of heartbreak ballads. He is the opposite of practical, buttoned-up Daphne, whose coworkers know so little about her that they have a running bet whether she is in the FBI or witness protection. The two roommates initially avoid each other, but one day, while mourning their circumstances, they develop a fragile friendship and devise a plan. Their plan includes posting misleading photos of their summer adventures together—who could blame them for wanting to create a better story?

But it’s all just for show, of course, because there’s no way Daphne would start this new chapter by falling in love with her ex-fiancé’s new fiancée’s ex… right?

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Mercy Street: A Novel

Read: February 2023

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Mercy Street: A Novel

by Jennifer Haigh

Mercy Street: A Novel by Jennifer Haigh is a tense, riveting story about the disparate lives intersecting at a Boston women’s clinic. The novel was named Best Book of the Year by the Washington Post, the New Yorker, and the Boston Globe. Mercy Street is a novel for right now, a story of the polarized American present. Ms. Haigh is a gifted storyteller who has written a very readable book that I highly recommend. 

I truly enjoyed Mercy Street. I had read her short story Zenith Man, and I enjoyed her storytelling skill and wanted to read her most recent novel. Until the last few pages, I was unsure how Ms. Haigh‘s intricate storylines could conclude the story. Usually, I can predict how a story will unfold well before I finish reading it. Mercy Street was a rare exception to that rule.

I have never had to run the gauntlet in front of a women’s clinic, but Ms. Haigh has made that experience so real that I could taste it. The day-to-day work of the staff and the clients was detailed and believable. The male characters, Timmy, the affable pot dealer; Anthony, a lost soul; and Excelsior11-the screenname of Victor Prine, were drafted n a credible way.

As stated earlier, I highly recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Claudia has counseled patients for almost a decade at Mercy Street, a clinic in the city’s heart. The work is consuming the unending dramas of women in crisis. For its patients, Mercy Street offers more than health care; for many, it is a second chance.

But outside the clinic, the reality is different. Anonymous threats are frequent. A small, determined group of anti-abortion demonstrators appears each morning at its door. As the protests intensify, fear creeps into Claudia’s days, a humming anxiety she manages with frequent visits to Timmy, an affable pot dealer amid his existential crisis. At Timmy’s, she encounters a random assortment of customers, including Anthony, a lost soul who spends most of his life online, chatting with the mysterious Excelsior11–the screenname of Victor Prine. This anti-abortion crusader has set his sights on Mercy Street and is ready to risk it all for his beliefs.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Lincoln in the Bardo: A Novel

Read: August 2024

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Lincoln in the Bardo: A Novel

by George Saunders

My journey with “Lincoln in the Bardo: A Novel” by George Saunders began with recognition as one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century. As I turned its pages, I was immersed in its profound exploration of living and loving in the face of inevitable endings. The book, which struck a personal chord with me after a loss, is a testament to Saunders’ storytelling prowess and a must-read for those interested in Abraham Lincoln.

February 1862. The Civil War is less than one year old. The fighting has begun in earnest, and the nation has already realized it is in for a long, bloody struggle. Meanwhile, President Lincoln’s beloved eleven-year-old son, Willie, lies upstairs in the White House, gravely ill. In a matter of days, despite predictions of a recovery, Willie dies and is laid to rest in a Georgetown cemetery. “My poor boy, he was too good for this earth,” the president says at the time. “God has called him home.” Newspapers report that a grief-stricken Lincoln returns, alone, to the crypt several times to hold his boy’s body.

From a seed of historical truth, George Saunders weaves an unforgettable tale of familial love and loss that transcends its realistic, historical framework. The story takes a daring leap into a realm that is hilarious and terrifyingly supernatural. Willie Lincoln’s journey in a strange purgatory, where ghosts mingle, gripe, commiserate, quarrel, and enact bizarre acts of penance, is a testament to Saunders’ imaginative prowess. The monumental struggle over young Willie’s soul in this transitional state, known as the bardo in the Tibetan tradition, is a narrative that will leave you spellbound.

Lincoln in the Bardo is an astonishing feat of imagination and a bold step forward from one of his generation’s most important and influential writers. Formally daring, generous in spirit, and deeply concerned with matters of the heart, it is a testament to fiction’s ability to speak honestly and powerfully about the things that matter to us. Saunders has invented a thrilling new form that deploys a kaleidoscopic, theatrical panorama of voices to ask a timeless, profound question: How do we live and love when we know everything we love must end?

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How Democracies Die

Read: January 2021

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How Democracies Die: What History Reveals About Our Future

by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt

How Democracies Die: What History Reveals About Our Future by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt was on my reading list for almost a year. In late December of last year, I started reading it and was in the final chapter on January 6, 2021. Like many of us, I never in my life expected to see a day like that in our country.

This type of event is one the authors talk about in their book.

According to the overview in GoodReads,

Donald Trump’s presidency has raised a question that many of us never thought we’d be asking: Is our democracy in danger? Harvard professors Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt have spent more than twenty years studying the breakdown of democracies in Europe and Latin America, and they believe the answer is yes. Democracy no longer ends with a bang–in a revolution or military coup–but with a whimper: the slow, steady weakening of critical institutions, such as the judiciary and the press, and the gradual erosion of long-standing political norms. The good news is that there are several exit ramps on the road to authoritarianism. The bad news is that, by electing Trump, we have already passed the first one.

Drawing on decades of research and a wide range of historical and global examples, from 1930s Europe to contemporary Hungary, Turkey, and Venezuela, to the American South during Jim Crow, Levitsky and Ziblatt show how democracies die–and how ours can be saved.

Our democracy is too valuable for us to have it die. We all need to work to preserve and strengthen it. How Democracies Die is a book that everyone needs to read!

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